Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve

Its two minutes after eleven, Santa must be close but he's bringing toys for the children. He's bringing alot of presents for everyone but he cannot bring mine. I'm 51 and I still believe! Christmas is for family and I am blessed by having plenty of family but I don't have my wife anymore. And even Santa cannot bring her back.

  I'm not unhappy this Christmas, quite the contrary because I did have so many wonderful Christmas's with my wife but this is my first one without her. Seems that it feels like it just happened this morning all over again or possibly just a bad dream. The one day that comes only once a year brings hurt and a deep pain that hurts right down to the bone.

 Still even as much fun as I had today with my family I cannot push aside the grief and loneliness that I feel. I can see her blue eyes and feel her hair and I know so much what it feels like to hold her hands and yet knowing all alone that she is not here.

  So tomorrow I'll wear my smile again and I'll walk out into the sunshine and all will feel like it should. Then I'll remember and look for her, and I'll know she isn't here with me as much as I would like.

 I won't be able to hold her hand and I won't be able to look into her eyes and I'll just be thankful for the times that I could. I'll always love her more and more each day. She will always be in my thoughts and nothing can ever take that away.

I love you Deb,
I love you more then ever,
I loved you before I ever met you,
Because I was in love with the thought of you always.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

It does get easier...............a little anyways.

          Eleven months and 4 days ago she left this world. Well at least this world that we all live on and see each other on.  I believe that she still exists because I feel her all around me.

          Today was a really good day. In as much as I'd have preferred to be working the land and building my new home that is something I dream of all the time I cannot find myself having any complaints. Excellent food, family and friends who were here today.  Such gatherings remind me that life goes on and there are always good times to be had. I'm really glad today turned out to be just one of those days where everything came together like it did.

          Conversations with family, friends even new friends seem to bring up life experiences and since Debbie is always on my mind I do enjoy talking about her and sharing my adventures or I should say Debbie's and my adventures together. Its as though she is right here telling her side of the story as well. Loving Debbie was and still is a great adventure. It is still something I look forward to daily and I still do talk to her as though she is right beside me. I had thought there would be nothing more to write but seems again I am not as smart as I pretend to be since something each day shows me that I have much more to learn. If I were to change anything in my life I suppose like anyone it would to be things such as taking better care of each other etc but I have found out that there are just some things in life that cannot be changed such as love, loss and I would guess quite a few things that do not come to mind often. I have few complaints and excuses worthy of anyone even listening to them.

      Tonight I find myself pretty much comfortable with my life and what the future has in store for me. Tomorrow will bring another adventure I am certain and so until then I will tell my beautiful wife good night again and think of her and fall into a nice slumber and await the morning.

      Goodnight world :)


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Another Long Night.

As always I think of my wife. Debbie was not just a wife she was truly my partner. In everything I wanted to do she supported me. The most amazing woman I have ever met. Deb never feared the risks I took nor would she say she did not like it. Deb supported me in ways that even to this day most men would say " I cannot do that because my wife said no". Instead Debbie would tell me that that I needed to be careful. Every single morning she told me that when I walked out the door. A simple two word saying. "Be Careful"
We did not have to have another word after that. We had already kissed, We had already hugged, Everything else waited until I was home!

I knew that she waited for me to come home. What she thought about while I was away I can only go by what she told me. Some days she was missing me and some days she watched over a excellent child who I will not mention here.

Tonight I think of her as I always do. For those who have never experienced loss like this all I can say is that I pray that you do not. It by far has been the hardest thing I have ever been through! To this very minute I think of Debbie and wish she was right here beside me. I can walk unto the floor where she died and called out my name. I can still smell her hair and feel holding her. I have felt that.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Tonight I find myself thinking of Debbie. Wait! Thats not entirely true. I think of her every single night. Even when I have company or busy during the day. How can someone who you are certain is now walking with Jesus isn't still with you at the same time? Deb is my angel and now is a angel in heaven I have no doubt. I know I should not ask why but still with what happens in these days and times I have to wonder why she was taken at such a young age away from me and our children? Nothing about it seems fair. Debbie meant so much to so many and I cannot even begin to understand. Perhaps its not for me to understand but the loss is so great and the heartbreak is almost more then I can bear. I have to wonder and worry. I love her so much that the pain is almost more then I can stand. I do it for our children. I have discovered that no other can ever take her place and I am comfortable in that. I will wait until we are back together and no matter how long it takes I will always love and think of her each and every single day. I love you Baby and I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. Those who wronged you will pay! This I swear!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

To long? Or not long enough?

I find myself here late at night. I really don't know what I want to say or possibly how to put into words. I have been graced in my lifetime. I had the greatest love in the world. Someone who never failed me. Someone who loved all of me despite my downfalls and kept my secrets close to her heart and despite all of everything I went through she kept the promise she made to me so very many years ago.

  Mom told me that Deb is true blue.  Is that supposed to be the end? I don't know anymore. Deb knew me better then I knew myself. She told me that I was never meant to be alone. Did she see something I hadn't? She always knew things before I did. Such a Lady who put me first before herself that I failed to appreciate until I had lost her.

  Then again did I actually lose her? Or has she given me options? Is she in my corner speaking to me that I must go on? My love for her is certainly endless and how can anyone ever get past such a love? Who could want to be with me after knowing what I write and feel? I suppose that will take one hell of a woman.

  Like I said she knew me best. Going alone is not something I am wired for. Just doesn't work for me. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life alone. I have 3 children and two granddaughters. I love them with every fiber of my being. But what now I must ask? Do I ignore my feelings now? Do I just continue to just exist? I think not. I believe that somehow I must go on.. I should share my love and continue to go on. But how do I do just that? I am not certain. If I were to fall in love again how to I explain that to my children I have shared for so many years and love with all of my heart? Family and friends who know me and have seen what I have gone through. What to say? I cannot hide nor can I lie and only I can make this decision but yet I feel like I may come across moving on to sudden or fast. Today is 3 months since Deb left us. Her moving on is nothing less then a cross I carry yet I hear her words to me. So with a heavy heart I bear this and carry on. There is one who I would like to know more. Never to rush in with yet to share my life with.

  Someone who may or might want the same as I do. I can't foresee the future anymore then any other man had who has been in my position. It makes one reflect on life in the past and also makes one wonder. Does God give us unlimited chances? Or do we suffer from the loss of a loved one? Where do we go from here?

   Answers such as these are not easily answered and gives one time to think quite a bit about the previous years. When two people fall in love is it wrong when others might get hurt? Well I have caused that before so what difference does it make now? Do I want to cause hurt and pain again? Do I put my feelings aside?

  Well when two people fall in love, When chance brings them together does it make it wrong or is it right because whatever happened in the past brings them together and two hearts meld into one. Does it make it make it wrong because two people fell in love? When is enough time? I have yet to see any measurement that says its not long enough or it has been to long and you lose out.

So that nobody makes the mistake that I do not miss Debbie. I always will. But my heart is big enough that if that one person out there falls in love with me. If she is out there and one day I decide to share my heart with her and she shares hers with me, I just want her to know. I only give all of myself. Not just a part but all of me and I will love and honor her. I hope and pray my children understand this. Its not that I won't miss your Mom. Its just that I know what she wanted for me and what I would have wanted for her. So as my children I will always be here. I owe that not because I was with your Mom. Its because of my love for both her and yall.

  I am, I will, I shall go on because more then anything else I know what she wanted for me. See a love like that wants to share and give from the heart. Now that is something else that is hard to get past. She never backed down and always supported what I wanted. I always did the same. So without reservation and all due respect. It is something I must do and I hope and pray that you support me in this.

 So I have spoken for the last time here on this blog. It is not because I have forgotten what I have had. It is simply time to let go. After this much time I know that Debbie would agree and say to me. "Get over it" Well easier said then done but yet her words sing true in my ears. So as she would direct me so should I go.

 This my last post is dedicated to my Dear and Beloved Wife
Debra Marie Arms

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Awaiting an Answer

As in life somethings come quickly and others you just have to wait for.  I had it the greatest. Then it all ended way too soon. Or Did it? Life did not stop. Sure life threw up one hell of a crossroads for me.  Which way to turn or just go straight across?  I sure as hell did not know the answer. Hell at the time I did not have a clue. So I threw myself back into work. I started breathing easier. I started feeling alive again. I happen to be one to rush in and it has always worked for me but not for everyone else. So I want that one person to read this. I want her to understand that I live and love and give everything that I am. I will always remember all the wonderful times I have had in this life granted to me by God and will always take advantage of what he puts in front of me. Life is short and sweet and I know in my heart that those who I have loved and who have loved me understand this.
Goodnight and I hope everyone who reads this is well.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Great Evening

            It seems so long ago but also just like this morning. I know I've said it before but its worth repeating.

   Tonight reminded me of something. And it is something very important to me. Life is precious so take advantage of it as best you can. Tonight I am doing just that. The best part is that even if things don't work out I have a beauty that will still be around. I am sitting here while wondering to myself if there is anymore I can do. I believe things happen for a reason. Nobody gets their way all the time and I have been very lucky in the past. I usually had a good feeling for how things would work out. Tonight I feel I have a 50/50 chance.

  So like when I continue to write my book I also think about how the book will change since I started it back in 2009. 4 years really isn't a long time to write a book I think. Call it writers block or some other distraction. My brother and sister in law have heard more then anyone else and many more have read parts of it.

 I guess the reason I am awake now while the beauty sleeps and I dare not disturb her. And yes many questions went through my mind but I think this is a first step and nobody can predict the future. I know I can't and what will become will just become when it happens or it will pass me by.

  Until then my friends, Goodnight!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Spring came early.

         At least it seems that way. Warmer days and evenings and that is something I have been looking forward to. I know I don't write as much as I used to but things seem to be settling down for me and work has been pretty busy. All that helps quite a bit but there are still times when I get melancholy.

  Two months and change certainly cannot erase so many years of being loved and loving someone. I made a promise and I intend to fulfill it. That promise I cannot divulge because it was one of the few secrets we had with each other. But I know that being alone isn't something I'd had ever planned on. To me Deb would be there always and forever. I just never even considered she would move on without me but I had little choice in that. I feel comfortable in the fact I know she is in heaven because I had many dreams about what it looked like. God may not always answer but he can and does give you glimpses of what awaits us all.

  This I swear! Heaven looks just like Texas! So I won't have to travel far when that day comes. God did Bless Texas with his own hand and there is no other place I would rather be.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Life gives us a chance!

I have read some of the most renowned books and/or literature over the years. I am one who certainly appreciates an author who reaches down in his or her soul to allow such words to come out. I have myself written for many years and now with so many asking me to continue I will do just that.

Remember just this part. My book is part fiction and fact. So go along with me and keep up. I only want that one day my true story is told and this like I said is part fiction and fact.

 So here is chapter one. Many have read much more but I will share this much just so you can see what it is in my mind!

   The old ford hummed right on key,We could barely hear the light tapping that was much louder before this oddessy began three states earlier. I had always enjoyed driving west,Endless miles of road with painted desert, cactus and nearly deserted towns hadn't taken but a few days. Both Debbie and myself felt a huge sigh of relief just leaving our past behind. What we did not yet know was how difficult our future was to become.

   Noon was laying in his usual spot between us. He was our constant companion for nearly 6 years now. His antics had kept us entertained and now we would need his companionship  but more importantly his much better senses.  One more small town to go where we would pick up enough supplies to last for a few months, Longer if needed. One last tankful of fuel away from what would become more then just a hideaway, It would become our shelter and security from a rapidly deteriorating society. My hobby of being a self proclaimed military history buff was to be our saving grace.

  We turn left off of the last paved road we will see for a very long time. I slow down to pause and take a look at a small rectangular concrete slab where a guard shack used to stand.
Looking out in front of us nothing appears present with the exception of a few abandoned hangers and the mountains behind them. For the next few weeks one of the offices in the largest hangar will be our home.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Two Months and a Day

      I sleep a little better and feel somewhat better about life, love and just being here. The morning of January 10th remains vivid in my mind. What happened and what I could or did do and then finally the questions to myself.

    I have talked to others in my situation and the feelings are supposed to be normal.  Well I have been accused of many things but never normal.

   Having fallen in love with Debbie under the circumstances way back then was definitely not normal. It is these current days but was taboo back then. But I gave every single ounce of my love to her. we never had much and she never asked for more. If I could put it in words I would have to say that all she ever asked for was love! True, Lasting, Unending yet Everlasting Love. I think I gave her all of that and now I do question myself.

  Debbie was everything to me. Make no mistakes we had our arguments and she always won because sometimes a guy just has to give in so he can rest even if she was very wrong. There is nothing I would not give to change places with her because to me she earned a much better life and between the two of us she needed to be here more. I suppose this is the grand plan God has in mind.

  Debbie Arms will always live on in my heart and our childrens hearts and friends and extended family.

       To me it is never goodbye, It is only that we will see you later and not only do we love and miss you but   carry you with us always and to us you still live here even if only in thoughts and our dreams!

    So Baby Darling of Mine, Good Night and Sweet Dreams!

             Always Yours!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Tomorrow brings the past with it.

I have no idea what tomorrow will have with it. If all goes well like normal then no worries. I do need to explain it to someone who is holding back and if all goes well then I will make it known. So to all goodnight and sweetdreams!

Two Months Today

   It has been two months since Deb has been gone. All I know is she wants me to be happy. Her love will never leave all of us who have been touched by her. I love Deb and always will and I will do her wishes. Those are between her and I.

 I love all my children and always will and no matter what I will always be here.

I have more to say and ask but that will wait for sometime.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Such a Beauty!

I have a lock of Debbie Arms hair in a envelope which I bring out each night and morning. Both Noon Arms and I rub it on our face just like when she was here. Noon knows the sound of the envelope and had been laying in the bed on Deb's pillow. He jumped down and ran over to me to make sure he didn't miss out. We both miss our sweetie and love her and always think of her. Good Night my beautiful Darling and we'll see you in our dreams tonight!

  That was copied from my facebook post tonight. Last night while laying down on the sofa and watching TV I caught the scent of her hair just as it would always smell right after she washed a dried it. She had naturally curly hair but used a blow dryer to straighten it. I still have her shampoo in the shower and only open it every now and then to get that scent. Last night I didn't have to open it. I feel she walked through the room checking on Noon and myself. 

   True love never dies. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Another Day Down

I stayed pretty busy the last few days. I prefer it that way because I can look forward to the evening.  Evenings and nighttime are still the hardest for me. I still reach over in the bed looking for Deb. I even call out her name. It has been nearly two months but seems longer or like it happened this morning at times.

  When we are kids our parents teach us about life and sometimes about death but something they cannot convey because of no fault of their own is how to deal with the loss of not only a spouse but best friend and soulmate.

 What if any words can explain the feelings that go through right to the heart? I really don't think words can say anything when put into that position. You just find your own way out of it and thank God for the time you had and all the memories both good and bad because they made it all work out.

 I don't know if love like that will ever come to me again. One thing I do know is that God has graced me with a love beyond reproach and that what happens next is simply a gift that I will never take for granted.

  If it comes tomorrow or next week, even next year I will have to ask for permission because of who I have loved and lost.

  I love you Deb with all my heart and soul and always will!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I should be writing in my book about impacts

Yep a book I started many years ago and everyone who has read parts wants more. I did actually a couple weeks ago writing more. I still have more of a story to tell. Tonight more then others I feel like I should share  this story. Its sort of short but something that does put a smile on my face. Woman more then men will understand it but I hope it shows to a certain special gal what it meant to me. So here goes.

  I can't remember the year as they have all passed by quickly. I do remember that Blue Ford Explorer hooked up to a twin Sea-Doo Trailer.  Debbies was on the trailer but I was practice racing with the Offshore   Team at the time. All I could see was Deb and a pretty gal who's name now escapes my mind(Just remembered it is Lisa)  calling me into shore so hands up so other racers knew I was out and I pulled up to the shore. Debbie told me it was time to go and with the look on her face I knew she was serious. Limey Rick  ( his nickname so no disrespect!) showed up as well. Well Lisa and Deb had my sweet little girl wrapped up in a towel and as a Dad I was about to go nuts until it was explained to me!  Well my little girl just wasn't that little anymore and her body decided to grow into a young lady that particular day. Movies make fun of it. Women..........er I meant wives bitch about it and husbands deal with it. But my little girl?  My Best Buddy? No way in hell I tried to convince myself, Not my bestest friend and the light of my life. I was so wrong. So ski's loaded up we headed back home. My not so little girl was having cramps and did not know what to do and Deb crawled from the front seat to be with her. I stopped at walmart and just bought what I was told to.  That is a impact to me. I am certain alot of fathers have dealt with it. I am proud to say without reservation that I was not embarrassed to buy tampons for either my wife or daughter and now all these years later she has her own daughter which gives me proof that I did pretty good after all!


A truly tried game that little girls play all the time and make their brothers join in just because!

  Its kind of like riding roller skates. Or just taking a sister to Astroworld many many years ago and today it doesn't even exist. Here I am with the prettiest gal as far as I was concerned because being a big brother means you keep an eye on your little sister! Well it did not quite work out that way. Me being this handsome young Texan had some gals interested in my but little sister just wasn't gonna let it happen. So her being such a over protective sister/mom type personality kept them all away from me. If it wasn't for the fact I know she was looking out for me I'd have been really pissed off. But the drive back home when we had so much fun reminded me why I look out for her and she looked out for me.

  So to my Dear Sister Cindy

 Please forgive me and know that I love you with all my heart even if you did make those girls at Astroworld Jealous!

Sometimes you get surprised!

Noon is laying her beside me as always. When I was about to erase that last post his paws moved my hand away from the keyboard. As in much I feel he does as well. Sometimes I forget to take in his feelings as well as others. For that I am sincerely sorry. I do and will always enjoy what I have and have had. As much I will love and enjoy what comes to me.


Pretty good day today and I'm feeling pretty good myself. I watched some TV. I had supper with my brother James and lil sis  Lyssa tonight. She is a great cook not to mention she spoils Noon as much as I do. James and I talked while Lyssa cooked up a great meal. After eating we all just talked in general. I have lost touch with a sister that I would really like to work hard to rebuild that relationship with her.

  As always my evening ends with the thoughts of my Wife.  I cannot describe in words the feelings I have for my wife. Love? thats easy enough for anyone to understand. Respect? Now we can talk about being honest, caring certainly, Giving everything to your wife? Most certainly at the loss of those who don't really know you. So tonight I am going to share more of myself even if just in thought. I am going to consider others feelings that I did not take into account.

  There is something that we all know even if it is just to ourselves. Maybe a built in tiny secret. I have one that I have shared with just a few. I know the age that I myself will ....lets just say move on.  Debbie knew this and while she has moved on and I have said many times before I still feel her and I am certainly not the only one.

  But? Yep I hate that word to. Moving on does get easier but how do you keep the love and respect if you decide that being alone hurts just to much?

 Children you have helped and loved and belong to you out of a pure love and might feel alone or even worse abandoned?  I swear that my children even all grown up are the light of my life! I never want them to feel otherwise.

  Now the next step! I don't think I am old at just the age of 50 and I  can't take being alone. So what is next? When my love for Debbie grows daily as always do I give up what life I have left? Is that all there is to it? Certainly God did not want men to grow old alone when he had created Eve for Adam? Ok so she wasn't all she was cracked up to be but who expects more?

 So now my mind wanders into something I haven't ever given thought of.  This is a new type of loneliness that I haven't thought of.  And even more. Is there some place that I can find even if in dreams that reminds me? I never want to lose the love and trust of my wife but I just don't know how heaven works. Or if I deserve to be there with her.
  Someone who I least had suspected told me its better to be loved and lost then not loved at all. I told him simply "Try It"  I cannot any longer reach over and touch her or kiss her cheeks but wish I could. I also at the same time want to be able to do that again without any disrespect or consideration for my children.

 Make no mistake I am not in any hurry I just need their input and always their love and respect because that means more to me then anything else. This burden is part of pure love and when you have that you take all else with it!

Thursday, February 28, 2013

A Mind Hinged!

I had a idea that my mind was hinged between love and loss. So I got down on my knees and gave thanks. Or at least offered them not knowing if I would get a response. I had felt just lost and out of touch. I do everything I can daily but I know I am not 100 percent.

  Then it dawned on me. Something I had forgot about. Love. Pretty much just that four letter word. I know    she loved me until the end. But I did not even give consideration to love after that. I just assumed  she loved me as before.  Tonight I know she loves me even more because to help me as she has since her moving on I know that love grows even then.

   So no matter the distance. No matter the why I know she is there but can reach down and touch me. And she does as she did in life. She gives love and comfort and sometimes even reminds me to just chill out and keep my temper in check. I now know I did not lose her. She just went ahead of me to prepare.

  Good night my darling and  as always I will dream of you. And as always
I swear, truthfully, with all of my heart and soul I love you and keep you close to me

   Your faithful and as always loving Husband!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

That Morning!

The morning that Debbie passed away still haunts me. I did everything I could, I did chest compression's and mouth to mouth. I had revived her. She could not raise up but did call out my name. This is what I live with. Every night and every morning! I watched her eyes roll back and watched the light leave her. I know she is better off but who the hell can explain to me that when I did everything right that I still lost her? Only God can explain that so I suppose I wait until my time and no I will not rush it but I certainly look for answers.

 This is what I live with. I wake up every night wondering what else I could have done? Debbie loved me and all of our children. She loved so many that called her Mom and looked up to her. So where are the answers I am supposed to have? Sorry but no reply on that end.

  That is just the anger I deal with. I am no longer upset about it. I suppose God will give me an answer one day. When he does I will certainly listen. Debbie was the most amazing woman and everyone has hear the stories that God takes those who are needed first!

  He does owe me an explanation and I can wait. I have dealt with so much in these past years and still find the strength to go on! Those against me are for nothing but greed! They need more and more all the time. Well to me I'll put in my words! Tough Shit! Can't get blood out of a turnip so that is that! If you can't deal with it then it is your loss! I mean what I say and the love I had and still feel from a genuine lady keeps me going!

  Many many years ago I sacrificed everything to have my "Best Buddy" always around me. Flying field where I could fly radio controlled planes. All the guys out there would take turns watching her. Yep Guys I say. Because it was Men who would take time to do just that. Wifes would be out shopping or something. Yet us guys took the time!  How time can prove all of that. Men are men and some woman are just shoppers and oh yes let me buy you this. That is not love! Love is who you are and the time you spent and if it is forgotten then someone loses out!  But be careful! Make your choices clear because if you make the wrong one then all of that cool stuff doesn't mean a thing! At my age I have learned many things. Probably one of the most important came from a great friend and my ex father in law. "Don't be full of shit just show that they are!"
A song shared by my cousin. It describes my feelings perfectly!

Debbie would tell me in those words. "Don't worry about me"
I cannot help myself. I will always worry. Even now my love for her has grown. I promised her years ago it would daily and it does and always will!

One more day down.

I have three machines torn down. Parts for one will be ready for pick up in the morning. Others are special orders.

 Lately I fall asleep earlier and wake up many times during the night. Last night was definitely one of those nights that left me with sleep deprivation. I wake up tired and even though I am eating more then I was a couple weeks ago I cannot help but think it is partly due to diet. I also realized that I have been out of vitamins for at least a week or more. At my age that Centrum Silver really works well. Also I need to take care of alot of other things which have been put off.

  I wake every morning to the photo of Debbie on my computer and fall asleep with it every night. I suppose it will always be that way because I cannot help but think about her and feel her all around me. I had started a book many years ago which I read to my brother and sister in law most evenings. I actually got around to writing more and have been in contact with my editor and I feel fairly motivated to finish it. At least book 1 of ?

  I don't call home as much anymore either. Its not that I do that on purpose but I am settling into some kind of life on my own. It is something I never thought I would have to do. Deb told me from day one if she made a promise then she would always keep it. She promised to never leave me. Well I don't think I can hold that against her because it was not her fault. It was the fault of nobody. God simply needed her for whatever reason and who am I to ask him questions? Well one day I will but not now. He is pretty busy I am certain with planting the garden Debbie needs for her cooking and of course the kitchen up there has to be just right!

 I miss her and I cannot put into words how I feel this evening. I just want to wrap my arms around her. I want to kiss her cheeks and forehead and tell her everything will be alright.  For now I have to settle for her photos. I wish I had more of them. She just did not like her picture being taken.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Long Lonely Nights

     I have discovered that having hate in my heart does me no good and the ones I hate do not care. But the ones who I love care enough about me to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. All in all is has been a pretty good day but when I decide to close down whatever I am working on my thoughts always go back to my one and true love.

   Just when things get settled down and you start to relax there is always this expectation of relief that you feel coming on. I thought I had felt just that. Tonight certain things reminded me that I have just recently lost my best friend, My confidant and more importantly my one and only true soul mate. 

  Loosing Debbie has caused so much pain not only in my life which I would be selfish to only consider but the lives of my children and grandchildren.  Debbie had such a strong life force that you could not but be drawn into that.

 The more family and friends that I talk to have told me stories I was not even aware of that shows me the impact she had made in their lives. 

 It was back in 1997 that Debbie and I were finally able to have a vacation. We rented a car and drove from Kingsland Texas to Salt Lake City Utah.  Now that was a vacation! We saw and experienced so many things that she had never even thought about. I as a much younger man had seen many of these but had no appreciation of it. But our trip together! Now that was something. We had so many photos but they were stolen.  That happens when you have a evil brother in law which she has. Enough about that. Debbie and I had the best time and what I remember is what counts. Just that the photos would be nice. 

Just avoid carpet cleaners around Seabrook Texas that William James Berger Jr owns. Or Katherine Watson because I can and will provide proof of their actions!


Something Debbie and I had started on together.

Deb and I were told many months ago since working here at the feed store that we were family.  And Justin and Randy have gone out of their way to prove just that. So a few months ago I registered some domain names and today I finally was able to get one working. I say I but I mean a very good friend of mine and Deb's. Robert Link who is the one who spoiled our youngest son rotten with Dr Peppers and Oreo's when he was much younger! Now for those who do not know Rob. I have to explain a few things. Rob loves everyone. He has been a tremendous friend to so many. One time when he joined us down here in the Hill Country just NW of Austin I took him and our youngest to Walmart in Marble Falls. We walked in the door and Rob asked Tommy where the toys where. Tommy pointed and both! I mean Both took off running inside Walmart. I just tried to hide out somewhere. Now the reason I am telling this story is because if it had not been for Deb I would have never met such great friends or had such great children.

  My Life was so blessed and happy and shared with so many because I had Debbie as my wife.
Such a love cannot ever be forgotten! And Chris I know you love reading my stories and if you have some to share please do in comments. Also Stephanie and Tommy yall also have your own stories. Share so everyone knows what a special lady that Debbie Marie Arms truly was!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Another Day Without You

Well I thought I would have more to post these last few days but it turned out that what I had to say was something I could just say it out loud and Deb would hear my words. I am sure she did. She doesn't mind me sharing our story with everyone but sometimes it still feels so natural to just talk to her.  I will do that always. I found out somethings lately that I have to think about.

   Those things I will share in due time. But I will tell yall this. I never doubted Debbies love for me and now I know that she had told so many others how much she loved me and would always stick by myside.

 So tonight I go to bed knowing what I had already felt but hearing words makes me realize how much I had it so great!

  I love you Deb and will always love you and think of you every second of every minute!
Your Husband!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

One of Debbie's Favorite Movies

Catwoman with Halle Berry. Deb named Noon's Mom Midnite after the cat in the movie. I got to choose Noon's name and somehow it fit. Noon is restless tonight. He likes this movie and also Garfield.
Sheeze I'm beat but not sleepy yet. Maybe soon hopefully.

   Good Night folks!

A Better Day

     I've been working on a Harley Davidson for the past two weeks. Well Today I finished it. I actually feel like I am catching up on projects. I also feel the loss of Debbie every single moment. I can handle my duties but her just not walking in on me or me coming to the house for lunch and seeing her is still hard to get past. I talk to my family all the time. They can see I still hurt and I don't know if that ever goes away but they share memories with me and we have a good time still picking on each other. It is rare that Debbie doesn't come up in a conversation.

  Few people actually know the real Debbie or Sweetpuddin as I had met her. She was so amazing on how quick she could make friends and how children would love to be around her. That is one of the many reasons I know she watches out for us all now. Everyone deserves to be loved like I was and still feel I am by Debbie. She stuck by me through so many things that proved her love to me beyond anything I had ever even heard of before.

  So even though tonights post is short I hope and pray that everyone who reads this find that love that no words can describe.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Love and Life

When you have had the greatest love of all. I mean something that transcends everything else then where do you go? Is there a wish you want granted? Maybe a prayer to be answered? I have many questions and not one single answer. To Me Debbie is the light of my life. The answer to my prayers and a wish granted.  Now what?  You can see where I am now. To spend the rest of my life alone? Well of course Noon reminds me that I am not alone because he is right up against me all the time. Tyson is also here tonight and for once is not passing gas so bad that I have to kick him out.

  I have tomorrow always to look forward to. So Folks here is to Tomorrow!

Friday, February 15, 2013


   Tonight I talked to our youngest. Well he isn't a child anymore. He is a grown man and I am so proud of him. Debbie would be happy that we talk quite a bit. He has grown into a fine young man. I had to cut it short but seems I wasn't needed after all. I could spend all night long talking to our kids. Debbie and I loved that. There was nothing more important in our lifes then our children. Now also our grandchildren.

  Grandchildren. Now that is something special! Neither Debbie and I have met either of our granddaughters.
We always thought we had more time. Seems we were wrong on that. I know that I will make time ASAP to do just that.

 I'm going to cut it short tonight. I am beat but I just needed to say that I love my kids with all my heart and that as always I will sleep with the thought of their Mom in my heart and that nothing can ever replace that.

 Good Night Sweetheart!
I Love you and carry you with me always and forever!

And one last thing. Tommy and Stephanie and Christopher are so blessed. They have a angel looking over them and nothing can ever take that way from them.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My Baby loved

Tonight I couldn't sleep so I felt if I wrote it might help. Several years ago I started a book which many have had a preview of. When I would read to Deb what I had written she kept up after me to write more. Well I lost all interest in it. I should pick up my pen again and write more but since she was central to the story how can I write more? I don't know how writers can change up a story mid-line when something like this happens. I'm certain I am not the first but I'll be damned if I can figure it out. Nights like tonight have to play their way through just like any other story. My love for Debbie supersedes anything else right now and most nights I cope just fine but not tonight. See I wasn't able to spend valentines day with my wife.  This is another first of what I guess will be many. Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Next Years Eve.  Then I will have to deal with next January 10th. Then the next year and so on. I moved the Crucifix to over our bed tonight and the Rosary that Deb has had for quite a few years. Somehow they need to be there. I don't know why and I don't ask questions that somehow do not need a answer.  I am not a deserving of that answer just yet and when it is time then I'll be listening. It just seems harder tonight then most of the recent others. 

   Debbie was to me what life is to others. Everyone takes a breath. Everyone can feel their heart beating and having Debbie was all that and so much more to me. Being able to love to strongly and holding someone so tight and always expecting her to love me back was just my simple one sided mindedness.  I was selfish in so many ways to always think that she was here just for me.  I was wrong on so many counts. Debbie loved so many and I just did not or would not share her.  It is because of those feeling that I now have to answer to the rest of my loved ones why did they not see her, Why did they not get to hold and hug her and share her. 

  I thought I could give her everything and now I see that giving her everything meant sharing her with the rest of those who loved her so much. I wish I could have told them sooner. Now any apologies I have will never be good enough. Debbie can't be replaced in my heart and I have considered what I will do since I have lost her but at the same time I know there are others that have lost their wifes or husbands and go on and get remarried. I just can't see how they can do it. Not when I have had something so wonderful and fulfilling in my life and heart.  

  I have a heartache that cannot be just pushed away.  Debbie was so much to my existence and who I am. I  lived for her and loved only her. She could be funny, crazy, mad or just simply herself and I loved every second of it.  

 All I do know for certain is if I live a good life and make it to where Debbie is I will ask God why he took her. All I want is a fair answer and to show me that his choice was worth it. Because she left behind so many who needed her still. I'll settle for that.

Learning to Fly

I am not talking about airplanes. That I can already do well enough to suit me.  But a hobby I picked up from a friend many years ago and Debbie thought I was nuts but she came out to watch me do it. So this spring and summer weekends I am going to take up skydiving again. I'll of course have to take refresher courses which I do not mind at all since it has been years. Debbie would never go up in a airplane with me. She was truly terrified of flying which I had mentioned earlier in this blog. But I know she would want me to live every minute and I am going to do just that. I'll get my little brother James to do it with me and if I can talk his wife into it her as well. And a few other friends if possible.

   Here is a link to my first ever jump. I actually didn't fall on landing the first time. The others we just won't talk about right now!


Valentines Day Alone.

    Debbie loved Holidays. Valentines day usually wound up with giving her flowers and a card and a nice meal somewhere like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. Her two favorite places. Either would do and we always held hands and talked.

  Today I worked. After work I came inside our home and for awhile felt sorry for myself. Then I thought that isn't what Debbie would want. I can hear her telling me to just find something else to do. So I fixed myself supper. 4 pieces of toast dipped in Chocolate Milk. Yep that was supper. It was sort of like a old friend. See that was a late night snack for me that I have done over countless years.

 Afterwards I was still thinking of Olive Garden or Red Lobster. Living here in Cherokee we would have settled for the Hungry Hunter or Chinese food in Llano. Got to love country living! Debbie would have been happy to cook for the two of us. When you are so used to something it is easy to take it for granted. I did just that. I knew she would be here all the time and no matter what I could come home to my wife. Or she would just walk out the door and visit me. I don't even think she ever walked into the new shop building. If she did I was not aware of it. If she could just see it now with oil stained floors and tools scatters from one end to the other. She would be out there arranging my tools because she just couldn't stand for such a mess but I know where everything is.

  I am sleeping better but still occasionally wake up. I suppose it will be that way for quite sometime and I really don't mind because it gives me a reason to walk through the house and make certain it still isn't a bad dream. Loving Debbie was a gift! There is no lucky in love. Either you find it or you don't. I found it and kept it close. So very close I can still smell the shampoo in her hair. Simple things like her antiperspirant. Even the few times she painted her nails. I used to give her pedicures all the time. She asked me why I stopped and all I had was excuses. I still rubbed lotion on her legs, feet, back and arms all the time. She loved that and I always loved any excuse to touch her. She had the softest skin and tiniest ankles and wrists. But for all her petite size she scared me more then any man could. All she had to do was to look at me in such a way that I knew I was in trouble.

  Debbie had the sexiest legs of any woman I have ever known. Also her small hips made it easy to wrap myself around her. I loved the fact that when we cuddled it was such a nice feeling because we were literally made for each other. Today Debbie got a Valentines Present from me. It was a prayer. I prayed that God take such good care of her and to let her know how much I love and miss her. Debbie has her own way of letting me know she is around and the family has sensed it as well.

  I hope that everyone who reads can find this love that Debbie and I have had for each other. Sharing this blog helps me and I hope it helps you.

 So Good Night and have a very Happy Valentines Day!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Tonight I listened to good music. I cannot explain why I am awake so late tonight other then any other night since Debbie passed. With one exception. Tonight I swear she was here. She made me feel like it was just any other night. Is there life after death? Can anyone prove or disprove it?  I know I've seen things that I couldn't talk about. I've felt things as well. Tonight isn't different. I felt my wife. I felt her touching my neck as only she could. I felt her breath and her sigh. I felt her love all around me. Was it simply an answer to a prayer? Was it just my imagination? Who can answer that? I don't think anyone can because if you were not here then you did not experience it. I did. I felt it maybe only in my way. I do not pretend to have answers for it. I just know that my love for my wife has grown daily while she has been gone just at it had when she was right here next to me. 

  To those who have never had true love I'll try to explain what it means to me.  When you lay down with the one you love it is simply amazing. It is almost like a electrical shock when they are comforted by your touch. You know it is just right. Everything just matched together just right. When Debbie and I would lay down next to each other there was just simply something that meshed just right. Our bodies met in such a way it was like we came out of the same mold.  If I could do it all over again I would without hesitation!  My wife is and always will be the most important person in my life. We helped raise our children the best we could. Certainly we made mistakes. There are so many things we both would have done differently. Parents don't have it as easy as our children think. When our children grow up and then become parents they see what we went through. We did our best. Sure we made mistakes. But one thing Debbie and I did right was to love each other and if we taught our children that a true love is something you fight for! You never give up on and keep on going despite anything thrown at you then you show to your children that there is no giving up ever!

  The past month I have dealt with the loss of my wife. It has certainly been the hardest month of my life. I have never dealt well with death. I have lost loved ones before but nothing like this. How can one compare the loss of a loved one with the one who is supposed to be your life partner? The one who you are supposed to spend your ending years together? Debbie and I had so many plans. Plans now that I am supposed to carry on without her. I will do what she wanted to do but how to do it without her? That is the hardest part. Debbie and I were partners and dealt with everything together. 

  As far as going on without her. Well I'll carry her in my heart because I feel her there. She hasn't left me and  I do not think she ever will. See we believed in the same things. Debbie and I loved so much and to a degree that most will never find. I hope I am proven wrong on that but true love seems to be a lost art. All you have to do is to open your eyes. My Mom and Dad have it. I found it. My brothers have it. True love is just to open your eyes and enjoy every single minute. I did. I never cared if anyone else said anything. Debbie stayed with me to the day she went to Heaven! I do believe in heaven because I know God has a place for me and I know that Jesus escorted her through the gates of heaven. Debbie died here on earth but I will join her. 

  I have to believe in that because I have nothing else to believe in and when she visited me this evening only God could have allowed it! 

  So to
Chris, Stephanie, Tommy 

  I want you all to know this, Mom is safe and happy, She watches over us and will always be with us and when it is time we will see her again. She is happy and healthy and loves and misses us and doesn't want us to hurry. She will watch and see us grow older. For yall to raise your children and to always remember her. Share her memories and remember how much she loves us all. 

  I share this with others because I want everyone to see how much of a perfect woman I had married and had the amazing wonder to see how such a woman could affect so many. I am truly a very lucky man who loved and now has to wait to join his wife.
Chat has change quite a bit over the years and even though I have brought back maxchat at  http://maximumweb.us  It still isn't the same. I have alot of work to do on the site as well as others. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day. I find that if  I work then it helps me to deal with the loss of my wife.

   Now don't call the guys with the white suits yet. I don't yet need a straight jacket. Tonight I swear Deb visited me and actually talked to me. In a different way then what everyone else would consider normal but still talked to me. So I do feel somewhat better but of course that did not stop me from missing her.

  I am listening to Snowbird who used to chat at Maxchat which Deb and I used to own along with Astro and Honeysdew, Sparky etc. We built it to show we could build the best chat with live streaming and we certainly did.

 Well folks every tuesday tune in to our very own Snowbird at http://chat.ourgenerationradio.com/ and enjoy yourself. I know Debbie would have enjoyed it. So folks this is my last post on here tonight.

  Debbie I love and miss you with all my heart and soul and will carry you with me always and dream about you every night and every day. My love for you is endless and will always be.

   Good Night My Sweetheart!

This is a photo of our cat Noon's Mom walking Debbie. She did this several times a day. This was at the Video/Pizza/burger/hotwings store in Granite Shoals Texas about 8 years ago. You can see the flower/veggie bed in front of the store which Debbie worked on daily. It did so well.

This is here at the feed store just a few months ago. Noon sitting on the counter pretending to be the Lion King. Debbie there letting him know he is whoever he wants to be!

Sort of fuzzy but this is Debbie and I in early 1997 after just a few months of being together. We flew out to North Carolina to see some chatter friends who cheered us on getting together after meeting on the internet. Anyone remember Pookiebear and Nikfits? They met us there and this is on the front porch of Pookies house. Yes we are really TEXANS! BORN AND BRED!

The Drivers Seat!

It has happened three times now.  They say that people who have passed on can attach themselves to a place or object or area. I never really gave it much consideration. Last night and today has convinced me. Or possibly I was wanting to be convinced. Either way I was not the first to notice it. My brother James was. Since he has been working on his pickup he has used Debbies Durango to run errands for both the shop and myself. Debbie loved her Durango. I will never part with it for that reason. Anyway last night he made a run into Llano to pick up some groceries and stuff for the both of us. Now the Durango had last been driven by myself on Friday and I always adjust the seat to fit me. Since I'm quite a bit taller then Debbie I'd have to pull the seat back and also adjust the height. Well James got into it last night and the seat was in the exact position that Debbie would have it in. This is three times this has happened and always her Durango. I have noticed a few things around the house but have let it go as a mere coincidence.  Tonight I went to brush my teeth after supper and noticed Debbies Toothbrush was wet. Now I last brushed my teeth early this morning so I know anything there would be dry by now. Can someone please explain to me how things like this can happen? I'm the only one in the house with the exception of Noon are cat and he doesn't brush his teeth on his own!

  Thats a thought to dwell on at least. I've never felt completely alone since she left but now I feel more like she has stayed very close!

 Maybe more later.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hard Question to Answer

I have had several friends and some family ask me about the morning when Debbie passed away.  Well I have kept it to myself but I guess that I should share in case it helps someone from loosing their wifes.

 The day before Deb and I had driven into San Saba. We had lunch and took care of some other things. She seemed perfectly fine. She was smiling and giggling which is what most remember of her. She had a very loud giggle which was very hard to miss and addictive. I remember the first time I heard it over the phone before we had ever met.

 That evening she didn't feel well but we both thought maybe she was coming down with a cold or possibly the flu. I took her temp and it was a bit high but not to bad. She was drinking bottled water like crazy and started to throw up a few times then asked for some gatoraid which seemed to settle her stomach. We laid down on the sofa together and watched food network. In this house she owned the remote so unless she was asleep it was up to her what we watched and I didn't mind since she put up with my needs.

 We had both fallen asleep and around 2 am she vomited again then drank some more gatoraid and her stomach seemed to settle down.  She got up to go to the bathroom and staggered in and I jumped up and she said she was ok but just a bit dizzy. I checked her temp one more time and it was normal.

  Then around 6 am she was ice cold. I told her I was calling a ambulance and she said to first help her change clothes which I did. I called 911 and she wanted to go back to the bathroom one more time. I helped her in and she fell down on the floor. She had no pulse and was not breathing. I was doing compression on her chest and cpr and had called 911 again and told the dispatcher that I had to just perform CPR at which time they had called for lifeflight. It takes about 25 minutes from San Saba to Cherokee where we live for the ambulance. In the mean time I had restored her breathing although shallow and her pulse was erratic. But she did open her eyes briefly and called out my name when her eyes rolled back. I had the dispatcher on speaker phone and she did her best to keep me calm and I kept talking to Deb.

  One of the reasons I am sharing this is to let you know that men and woman have completely different symptoms when having a stroke or heart attack. Men usually feel a tightness in their chest and numbness in the left arm! Woman have a deep pain in their backs.

  Debbie complained of her back hurting but that was normal for what we did daily. I thought nothing of it. Had I paid attention I possibly could have seen other issues. But her breathing was fine and she had not complained of anything else which was normal for her.

  Well while still on speaker phone with the dispatcher the ambulance arrived and promptly got stuck in the wet ground behind my trailer but they wasted no time in getting in the house and hooking her up. Both very professional and asked me to step aside while they worked. I wish I had their names because the gal looked straight into Debbie's eyes and told her "You stay with me"  I helped them put her on the gurney and they moved her into the ambulance which I was not allowed to be in. I understand their reasoning but there simply was not enough room. The Fire Dept showed up with equipment to pull the ambulance out and we had already heard the chopper land at the highschool about a 1/4 mile away. I waited here with my brother James and Sister in Law Lissa to hear it take off. James walked outside while Lissa comforted me and we heard the chopper take off.  James came back in shortly and said that the ambulance just went south with lights and sirens. He took Lissa home and came right back. I waited about 15 minutes which would be long enough for the ambulance to get to the hospital in Llano then called.

 They put me through to a Dr. he told me "Mr Arms when she arrived she was already DOA and all we could do was to pronounce her".  I nearly fell to my knees but James held me up. I leaned against the wall and James went outside to get Justin our good friend and boss.  I had completely lost all composure. If there hadn't been a wall I'd have been on the floor. Seconds after James walked out Justin walked in and grabbed me. Now Justin is a huge man but he carries a huge heart. After a struggle to get away from his grasp I had regained my composure as best as I could and James and I walked to his truck. I called my Mom and Dad who were on their way to visit Grandma who is elderly and has her own age related issues.  They turned around and headed this way. James took me to the hospital in Llano. We were taken to a room where Deb was laying in a bed covered by a blanket up to her forehead. They had itubated her and the tube was still in her mouth. I was able to lower the blanket enough to kiss her forehead.  Its that sight that has kept me awake each and every night since then. I rarely sleep a full night and when I do I wake up in a sweat and have to shower to just cool off.

  My Sister in Law Tina and niece Bailey were there. Bailey had never been exposed to someone who had passed away much less then a Aunt who she knew well. I had bent over to kiss Debbies forehead when I saw Baileys knees getting weak yet she somehow kept from falling because I think she wanted to be strong for her Uncle when I wanted to be strong for her.  It is amazing to me how family who loves each other discounts their feelings for each other over their own just to show strength and Bailey did just that for me. Tina walked to the bedside and moved Debbies hair just right. She knew how Debbie was picky about such things. James stood by to make certain the 3 of us were ok. He is a man of strength going through his own ordeal right now yet never fails his family! For that I am eternally grateful.

 After we walked out of the hospital James and I sat in his pickup. He asked if I wanted to wait for the funeral home to pick her up.  That I did not want to see because I still thought it was simply a nightmare I would soon wake up from.

  That evening I spent many hours on the phone with Debbies Mom, Her Aunt, Our Sons.  Debbie and I had years ago come to the decision to be cremated.  Yet after talking to her family and most importantly her sons  I decided she would want them to be happy and since they had not seen her in quite sometime it was only right that they be able to say good bye.  Debbie was raised a Roman Catholic and her parents and sons and Aunt needed to be able to have a funeral that was appropriate and I called Debbies ex husband John the next day and told him to tell the boys I had made up my mind and they were to have just that for their Mom. It was only fair and Debbie would not have fought that battle either!

  Then the plans were made. It was to be another week before her funeral which was the longest week of my life.

   Tomorrow I will add more but let me leave this one photo. Debbie was godmother to her niece Tina. Both very lovely ladies and Tina's Mom was more like a sister then Aunt.

 So Tootie this is for you! The prettiest two ladies!

Debbie and I had a bunch of songs that we called ours. Now we have alot of friends who did the same with the same exact songs but I suppose they mean something different to each one.
Steve Holy - Good Morning Beautiful
Gene Watson - Paper Rosie
George Jones - He Stopped Loving Her Today
George Strait - Amarillo By Morning
Elvis - All of his songs
But Her favorite of all time is Last Dance by  Floyd Cramer

 I do not know if this will work but here is a link to it!Debbies Favorite Floyd Cramer!
Well tomorrow it will be one month since Debbie left us. I've been so used to saying left me but she is loved and missed by so many literally all around this small planet we live on. I knew this day was coming and it was only a matter of time before some depression hit me but it did not last long because alot of my family showed up today. That put me in a good mood and even knowing it will be a long night I will be ok.

  Debbie also seems to let me know she is around. I need to get the rest of her clothes together and take them to San Saba to the Dove Project. Its like a womens battered shelter and Deb would approve of that. Its just very hard letting go of any of her stuff. Debbie was always of a giving nature. The one thing that is currently bothering me is what to do with the extra closet space. I have about 1/3rd as is and I don't have any extra clothes to put in it. I'm thinking of getting back into RC models.

  Helicopters more then anything. I miss that hobby and it will give me something to do in the evenings after work until bedtime. Deb always told me to grab up another hobby but I never seemed to have the money or inclination to do so.  I also need to get the chat back up. Debbie had started editing some of the html but never finished so that is something else I can do.

 I just have to get Rob up off his butt to help me! (That is a hint Technician type guy!) Even though chat was up for months and\rarely had visitors it was nice to see something that Deb and I had loved and had made so many friends on turned back up on the web! Deb said she wasn't into chatting much anymore but I told her we'd make a room to share recipes LOL.

  Anyone who has met Deb knows her all time favorite thing was to cook. Her recipe book is huge and she has photos of most finished dishes. If you want a copy she would certainly love for me to share them!  Just send me a email that can hold a sizable amount!

 Well I will get off of here for now and will most likely update through out this evening and possibly even in the early morning!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

I apologize for not posting last night. I fell asleep very early and was beat. Seems the harder I work the less that I get done. Sunday will be one month that Debbie passed away and I miss her so much. I find it harder and harder to let go of her things which is something I know I need to do. Debbie is the light of my life and it has not gotten any dimmer. I just wish I could hold her. The morning she passed wakes me up every night.

    Every single night with her was a blessing and every single morning I received a kiss from her that let me know she would look forward to my return. Now I ask myself why I did not do more or see what was happening and why the hell she was taken.

  Our cat has always been one to be close to me and her but now its just me and he hates when I head out in the morning and when I come in for lunch its almost like I'd been gone for days. At night he follows me from room to room. Where I sit he sits and where I lay he lays.

 Debbie would be so proud at how often I talk to our boys now. Tommy called me tonight and I will stop doing anything to talk to him. I do the same for Chris.

  My mom calls or texts me almost everyday.  My brothers and sister in laws always make certain to check on me.  I suppose I need to talk to someone who did not know Debbie and share my feelings with them but I choose to be around those I know well.

  Tomorrow I'll try to post more about our history depending on how my day goes.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Anger is not the way!

Tonight I allowed myself to get angry. It is something that Debbie hated because I had a certain look on my face. I know where it comes from and she was always right. Hell I could scare myself in the mirror with that look. Only she could make me calm down as well as my Mom can.  One thing Debbie could do that only one other was to rub my neck without me getting ticklish! Debbie and my daughter Stephanie could rub my neck and get me relaxed.  Both used to take turns after a long days work. I miss those days.

 Getting back to the anger I have removed that last post and I apologize to anyone who read it. It did me no good and nobody else as well. I vented and knew better then to do it in that fashion. Hating is no longer in my thinking but sometimes revenge does come up but I know that is also not up to me. What happened is in the past and I must always remember. "Turn the page"  Well sometimes I forget as I did tonight. I went over to my brother and sister in laws this evening for just a few minutes.  I had to drop something off over there which I know he will love and take good care of. See I have shared many things with family that were Debbies but tonight was something from me that Debbie had picked out that I wanted my brother to have. she had even made it clear to me that it was for him. A few years ago Debbie had purchased a small 10 ft measuring tape pink in color just for her. Well it was next to these old model cars and my brother being a carpenter could make a excellent display case for them. So I knew what I was being whispered to do. I never doubt her presence around me. A love like ours just can't die off. It lasts forever! I am no overly religious but I have read the bible, many versions of it actually. I do know one thing however. With the love I feel for my wife and knowing Jesus walked her through the gates of heaven that where she is that she can certainly make calls down to me and all her loved ones. I don't know if it was simply luck on my side that we got together or Gods will. But from the many folks I talk to it sounds like to me it was simply "Meant To Be"

  Noon and Tyson are kicked back right next to me. Tyson laying on my foot and Noon making me sweat because he puts off a bunch of heat. Debbie used to push me away from her in bed saying I made her sweat.  Now as a husband making your wife hot is a good thing cept when they get to a certain age and hot flashes kick in. I can remember seeing my breath inside the house because she wanted the AC on and it was only 40 degrees outside. I will miss that. But the best part is when she had a chill and said cuddle with me. We were made to fit together and we did that well!  I used to give Debbie pedicures and she asked me how did you learn to do that. Hell I never learned. I just loved to touch her anyway that made her feel good. Of course if you asked her about me painting her fingernails that was something different. Painting a car was much easier!

  Tonight I miss my baby a bit more because it is sort of a anniversary between us. Since I cannot hold her I will hold all of our family and friends close.

  I would lay down my life for Debbie or anyone in my family and protect them and never have regrets but now that Debbie is looking out for me I will live my life to help my family and protect them.
Good Night Baby and I miss you always!

 This is Debbie with our oldest son Chris. We now have a beautiful GrandDaughter from him and his very pretty gal Deborah. Our Grand Daughters name is Kailyn. I am certain her Uncle Tommy spoils her and I need to find some more photos of him not eating oreos and downing Dr Pepper provided by Robert Link. Deb and I used to have many more but her brother and his cow of a wife stole everything we owned! What goes around comes around and I hope they like heat because hell is very hot I have read!
 This is Debbie with her godchild and niece Tina. Both very beautiful!
This is from this past Christmas. Of course Debbie would not let me take a photo of her but I did at least get her arm in it! She loved decorating for Christmas. It isn't the size of the tree as much as it is the thought that was behind it. I did not take it down until several days after she passed. It will be back up next year decorated as she had done it. I was very careful in putting it away. It sits in her closet right now next to where she slept up close to me.
I really had not planned to add anything else this evening but chatting with my Cousin Susanna and and a very Dear friend Lucia who Deb and I love as a sister from many many years of chatting. They sort have been introduced together by what I would call Debbies interference. Now you can call it Devine intervention or whatever but Debbie would make certain to introduce a friendship when she could. Lucia aka Rockerchic has been a friend of mine and Debbies since around 96 or 97 if memory serves me right. Susanna is my Aunt Paulas youngest and we have been close since we were children and have spent so much time together but not near enough lately. I love my cuz and my friend Rockerchic. It is what helps me to go on and tonight is a good reminder that love lost is sometimes also love gained. I know Debbie is looking down at us right now and smiling and I can hear her giggle! Her giggle is something that everyone has commented about.  It drew you in and you could not but help to smile when hearing it. Debbie is so much to so many. It is my pleasure to share it with everyone and there are so many stories to tell.
Thanks to everyone for letting me share!
Another long day. I am currently working on a older Harley Davidson and running into one problem after another. So tomorrow will be spent looking for more parts and explaining to the owner that I do not have a magic wand. He will understand and hopefully we can still get it done by the end of the week but that might not happen.

  As always my beautiful wife is always in my thoughts. Today I was thinking about the small creek not to far from here where we went wading this past summer. Holding hands and trying not to slip. I have photos of only her Durango from there because she would not let me take her picture. I wish I had now but she always got her way. She loves that Durango so I promise to make it everything she wanted. It is something I must do no matter what the price.

  I suppose I should explain the original idea behind this Blog. Back sometime ago Deb and I had bought a 79 Pace Arrow Motor Home. We put in many many hours into making it livable and the photo on the right side of this blog shows Deb getting her kitchen in order. The photo up top is from the Longhorn Resort in Kingsland that we managed together and held so many chat parties at as well as our family reunions. The Truck in the photo is a 1988 Chevy 1 Ton Dually Crewcab that she surprised me with. I truly loved that truck and wish I still had it.

  Debbie and I have had our up times and down times. We never stopped loving each other and proved it by  showing each morning that things said the night before were behind us. Dad always said to turn the page and we did just that. It made our love stronger and also proved to me that I had the perfect woman!  If she could put up with me then I was truly a blessed man. Debbie loved each and everyone in my family and wanted to make certain they knew it.

 Now Debbie could hold a grudge and sometimes did as most women will at times but I swear she would forgive if others could forgive her. She proved it over the years and that caused her to become just that much closer and showed her strength and beliefs.  Especially when it came to children who she loved so much. All Children were hers. She loved to be around kids and she spent nearly five and a half years volunteering at A Catholic school were our two boys attended.  Now I say ours but I have to share them with their father John who dedicated his time to coaching little league baseball. He was never far from them and helped them to grow into the fine young men they are now.

 Right now at this time I am sitting here at my computer and laying down next to me is Noon our Half North American Bobtail. Debbie and I adopted him at 6 weeks of age. He is soon to be 8 yrs old and has not left my side. Deb and I actually have his own website up but nothing has been done since before her passing.
You can find it at  http://noonthecat.us/

  I wish everyone a wonderful evening and keep checking back and I will share the history of Debbie Arms with you. I love and miss her daily and it was truly the most wonderful time of my life!

My favorite photo of Debbie and myself. Also one of our three children and one of Debbies many adopted kids. Big Matt is a huge man with a equally huge heart. He loved Debbie so very much as she loved him!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Since I have had a very warming response and also a few private messages to get over it I will just say what needs to be one time.

 If you have not loved like I have then don't blame me. My wife is the most important person in my life. Children have grown up and you can bet I will help them anyway possible but don't get mad at me because your ex did this or that! I was very fortunate and have said that from the beginning and I loved every single second of it and still do!

   Don't be hateful or tell me to get over something which you have never had. You have not walked in my shoes and you have not had the love I have so jealousy will do you nothing but harm. If you want to talk to me and discover what it is like then I will be happy to share it. Otherwise just remove me from facebook and  no harm no foul!
Debbies Husband!
It has been a very long day. Mondays always seem to feel that way for some reason.  Nothing went right and sometimes you just have to walk away from whatever your working on to clear your head. It works for me and today was no different. Where I messed up popped into my head while cooking. This seems to come on more often lately since I suffered the biggest loss of my life. There isn't a moment when I do not think about my wife. Debbie was/is/shall always be my one true love. I have prayed and searched and asked everything imaginable but nobody will ever replace her.

   My brother James and his Very Lovely Wife Lissa are over here almost every night since Debbie passed.
Lissa has cooked up some great meals and at first eating was not something I could do. It got easier and tonight I cooked for them. It is something I knew Debbie would ask of me and I really enjoyed it. They must have liked my cooking because they cleaned their plates. That is something Debbie always taught me to watch for. You know when someone loves your cooking!  My little brother and sis in law have been so instrumental in me being able to deal with the loss of my wife. I never knew how hard something like this could be.

  I am praying and hoping tomorrow goes much better but I do know that my brothers and sisters are close by as are so many friends.

 I have one word of advice.............Well maybe one saying and I'm not certain I'll get it right but you will understand

   Live to Love and Love to Live!

I wish...........No that is not right..... I pray that everyone who believes in a higher power and worships in her or his own way asks that our wishes are granted. I ask my Lord and Savior daily to look after my wife. I know he holds her close and she is fine and that one day I will join her if I live my life as she did to love without question and to care about everyone without regard to herself.  As she has followed so will I and I look forward to seeing her again.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

    It is Superbowl Day! Debbie and I never missed it. I watched for the game and cheerleaders of course and Deb watched for the commercials. Today is different because she is watching from above so probably has a better view then myself. And of course she isn't here to cook and make up the snacks which I will miss.

    Today its very nice outside with the sky just partly cloudy and it is supposed to warm up nicely.  Noon is laying down next to me.  Ever since Deb passed he never leaves my side when I am in the house. He is a great comfort and we share our loss together. North American Bobtails are wonderful companions. I consider him as my son because he has always treated me as his family and cats can sometimes just want to be left alone but Noon never wants to have solitude. He instead wants to be up close and we both listen to a few of the recordings I have of Debbie and I know he deals with her passing in his own way.

  When Debbie and I first got together we had a uphill road and if it had not been for our love bonding us in such a way I am not certain that I would have kept up the fight. We had to deal with so many who were against us including some family and friends but eventually we would win them over, I say we but it was always Debbie because with her smile and giggle you would finally have to give in. Of course we did have some family and friends who were all for us which helped out immensely. One of my best friends who is a Master Plumber and his wife opened their hearts and house to us. Their daughter spent so many nights with us and loved Debbie truly. My brothers welcomed her into the family and my Mom and Dad only wanted me to be happy. That I have been!

  My ex wife and I had been hired to run a beautiful Resort on Lake LBJ in Kingsland Texas. It was within a few months of that job that I had met Debbie online. I could not help but fall in love with her. We started talking on the phone and within just weeks we had both decided that what our hearts told us was that we needed to be together and we would hurt some in doing that but it would hurt us more if we did not follow what we needed. So I packed up and headed down to a small town between Houston and Galveston to pick her up. I got a little motel room waiting for the next morning and finally was able to reach her on the phone and find a meeting place. Once she climbed into the seat next to me in my pickup I knew right then in there that I had found "That one true love!"  You can watch all the movies you want or read books but I swear when you have found your true love you know it within seconds. I certainly felt it then as I do now.

  I took Debbie to the River Walk in San Antonio for a couple nights and we spent almost every minute just talking. Then we headed back to Kingsland, to see what was next. She had left her two young sons with her not to be so soon ex husband and I had left my daughter with my very soon to be ex wife. The owner of the resort had been informed of what was going on and had flown down from Utah to make a decision of what he needed to do to keep his business well managed. He interviewed Debbie and she explained that she had completed a couple years of college before being diagnosed with Chrohns Disease. He had also been interviewing others at the same time but Debbie and I were hired. We had that job for nearly four years together and loved it.

  When we decided to move on we met a new friend Terry who owned the Liquor Store in Granite Shoals who hired us to help him run it. Terry is still like our brother and we had a ton of fun for over 3 years before his then fiancee made him let us go. She was true to the rumors and had caused him to loose everything. She had done it to many before. Thankfully Terry has met and since married a beautiful and caring woman who he cherishes, which again proves to me there is "The One True Love" that is out there for everyone and Terry has his. I wish him all the best!

   Terry and I had also opened up a computer business at that time and competed with each other to have the fastest machine. I don't think either of us won because we upgraded nearly daily and had so much fun.
Terry had also introduced me to skydiving which is something I plan to pick back up on. It is such a rush and Debbie was able to go out a couple times with us and watch us skydive. She would never ride in the airplane but she was on the ground ready to greet me and remind me how dumb it was to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. That means she really never got up and close to them because I would not have gone near one without a parachute!

  To this day I wish I could have talked her into just doing one jump with me. I think she would have truly loved it and been terrified all at the same time. She would have probably beat the hell out of me once back on the ground but still it would have been nice!

   I may or may not add more later today. But thanks for reading and letting me share my life with you.
Best of everything to all who read and to my Baby I will talk to you later!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

It has been quite awhile since I last updated this blog. Either due to moving and new job or just plain lazy.
This evening the reason is that I am dedicating this blog to my Very Beautiful wife who I lost this past January 10th from a massive heart attack.

     So we will start there. It has taken me much time and with the help of family and friends that I can now talk about it. Debbie and I have been together nearly 17 years. During that time we had run a lake side resort, liquor store, video/pizza store. restaurant and several other jobs where we worked together. I am only 50 as of this time and Debbie was 52 but comparing the average hours a couple spend together who work apart we had nearly the equivalent of 52.5 yrs together. To me that is a great and long marriage.

   Debbie was the best of everything. She made me the man I am who just was lucky enough to fall in love with such a woman.

  We met in a ichat rooms chat site back in 1996. We shared so many beliefs and were needing more in our lifes. We had both fell out of love with our then current spouses due to know direct fault of their own but wanted more out of life. She had/has two wonderful boys who I love deeply. I have a daughter who is the light of my life. Now both my daughter and oldest son have given Debbie and myself two beautiful and healthy granddaughters. I am so proud of that. Our youngest talks to me nearly daily and we found a common ground about hotrods, 4wd trucks and he is a damned fine young man who I am proud to call my son. When Debbie and I got together understandably her then husband wasn't very nice to me but he did load her suitcases in the back of that 1984 Ford F-150.  After some time and a few diversions the divorce was final. It had only taken 4 years. Ordered to deal with how to split up belongings they got along better then ever before. The gal in charge had stepped outside and told me she could not keep up. Well Debbie and her ex and I went out for drinks.  A yr or so later we went to the house she had shared with him and had assigned her half to her sons just to get her Christmas decorations. She asked her ex for help so he pulled down the latter and went back to the sofa to watch I think a ball game.   She was tossing down boxes to me full of her stuff and I asked her ex if I could lock her up in the attic and I would pay him 25 bucks. He said "Hell no she is your problem now buddy boy"   And to be honest he is really a damned nice guy! But more about that later. Remember this is my blog so how I tell it is up to me ;p!

  So Deb and I had about 4 years to really get to know each other while waiting for her divorce even though mine had taken only 3 months.  We called the local JP Rudy Cunningham who came over to the resort and our only witness was our little yorkie "Ginger" and Rudy asked me if I wanted the long version or short. Well hell after 4 years I wanted it to be over. So short it was. Deb and I kissed and went right back to work. No time for a honeymoon at that time but it would come later. I of course had to call my Mom and Dad. (If you don't let Mom know you are in deep trouble!) I love my Mom because she is an amazing woman and she always tells us kids that she never butts into our private lifes! (Moms know everything and whomever gave them that magic has some answering to !)  One Debbies favorite stories is the day my Mom and Dad were up at the resort and Mom took Debbie out to "the shed" which meant the back yard LOL. Mom being Mom was just letting her know what it was to be in this family and how much she loves her children etc etc and Deb came back into the main house saying that she got "The Talk" See Dad is definitely the one in charge but he backs up Mom and nobody and I mean nobody crosses Mom. Dad told us boys when growing up and could stand up to him and look him in the eyes that we would step outside and whoever was left standing made up the rules. To this day none of my brothers or myself has ever stepped outside with Dad. Love and respect taught us better.

   My Dad called Deb by pet names from the beginning like Baby,
He treats his family with such respect that all of us who he has raised strive to be such a good man.
Debbie has always called my Mom and Dad just that. She never used their names because to her she had always felt that they were in fact her Mom and Dad because she loved me and them and was very sincere in that.

   Before I have ever laid eyes on Debbie the only thing I had showing what she looked like was a picture from a tee shirt when she was a team mom for boys little league. From neck up but I knew I loved her. She had never seen a photo of me. Still we spent the rest of her life together so I guess that love may not be blind but listens to the heart! Ours certainly had.

   So begins the story of a true love far more valuable to me then all the gold in Fort Knox. A God given love isn't something to be taken granted for.  It is only there to be cherished and enjoyed. Every night since she left me to go on to what we all strive for makes me happy for every second have spent with her. So tonight like all others I will weep for my loss and smile for what I was given.

    So until tomorrow my friends and my wife. Love, Respect and best wishes for you and yours and never take anything for granted because even with the heavy heart left by loosing someone can also make you stronger and keep you safe and warm. I have that with my one true love and my baby. Debbie will always be  the love of my life and like my Mom said. She is True Blue!