Awaiting an Answer

As in life somethings come quickly and others you just have to wait for.  I had it the greatest. Then it all ended way too soon. Or Did it? Life did not stop. Sure life threw up one hell of a crossroads for me.  Which way to turn or just go straight across?  I sure as hell did not know the answer. Hell at the time I did not have a clue. So I threw myself back into work. I started breathing easier. I started feeling alive again. I happen to be one to rush in and it has always worked for me but not for everyone else. So I want that one person to read this. I want her to understand that I live and love and give everything that I am. I will always remember all the wonderful times I have had in this life granted to me by God and will always take advantage of what he puts in front of me. Life is short and sweet and I know in my heart that those who I have loved and who have loved me understand this.
Goodnight and I hope everyone who reads this is well.

Great Evening

            It seems so long ago but also just like this morning. I know I've said it before but its worth repeating.

   Tonight reminded me of something. And it is something very important to me. Life is precious so take advantage of it as best you can. Tonight I am doing just that. The best part is that even if things don't work out I have a beauty that will still be around. I am sitting here while wondering to myself if there is anymore I can do. I believe things happen for a reason. Nobody gets their way all the time and I have been very lucky in the past. I usually had a good feeling for how things would work out. Tonight I feel I have a 50/50 chance.

  So like when I continue to write my book I also think about how the book will change since I started it back in 2009. 4 years really isn't a long time to write a book I think. Call it writers block or some other distraction. My brother and sister in law have heard more then anyone else and many more have read parts of it.

 I guess the reason I am awake now while the beauty sleeps and I dare not disturb her. And yes many questions went through my mind but I think this is a first step and nobody can predict the future. I know I can't and what will become will just become when it happens or it will pass me by.

  Until then my friends, Goodnight!

Spring came early.

         At least it seems that way. Warmer days and evenings and that is something I have been looking forward to. I know I don't write as much as I used to but things seem to be settling down for me and work has been pretty busy. All that helps quite a bit but there are still times when I get melancholy.

  Two months and change certainly cannot erase so many years of being loved and loving someone. I made a promise and I intend to fulfill it. That promise I cannot divulge because it was one of the few secrets we had with each other. But I know that being alone isn't something I'd had ever planned on. To me Deb would be there always and forever. I just never even considered she would move on without me but I had little choice in that. I feel comfortable in the fact I know she is in heaven because I had many dreams about what it looked like. God may not always answer but he can and does give you glimpses of what awaits us all.

  This I swear! Heaven looks just like Texas! So I won't have to travel far when that day comes. God did Bless Texas with his own hand and there is no other place I would rather be.
 

Life gives us a chance!

I have read some of the most renowned books and/or literature over the years. I am one who certainly appreciates an author who reaches down in his or her soul to allow such words to come out. I have myself written for many years and now with so many asking me to continue I will do just that.

Remember just this part. My book is part fiction and fact. So go along with me and keep up. I only want that one day my true story is told and this like I said is part fiction and fact.

 So here is chapter one. Many have read much more but I will share this much just so you can see what it is in my mind!

   The old ford hummed right on key,We could barely hear the light tapping that was much louder before this oddessy began three states earlier. I had always enjoyed driving west,Endless miles of road with painted desert, cactus and nearly deserted towns hadn't taken but a few days. Both Debbie and myself felt a huge sigh of relief just leaving our past behind. What we did not yet know was how difficult our future was to become.

   Noon was laying in his usual spot between us. He was our constant companion for nearly 6 years now. His antics had kept us entertained and now we would need his companionship  but more importantly his much better senses.  One more small town to go where we would pick up enough supplies to last for a few months, Longer if needed. One last tankful of fuel away from what would become more then just a hideaway, It would become our shelter and security from a rapidly deteriorating society. My hobby of being a self proclaimed military history buff was to be our saving grace.

  We turn left off of the last paved road we will see for a very long time. I slow down to pause and take a look at a small rectangular concrete slab where a guard shack used to stand.
Looking out in front of us nothing appears present with the exception of a few abandoned hangers and the mountains behind them. For the next few weeks one of the offices in the largest hangar will be our home.

Two Months and a Day

      I sleep a little better and feel somewhat better about life, love and just being here. The morning of January 10th remains vivid in my mind. What happened and what I could or did do and then finally the questions to myself.

    I have talked to others in my situation and the feelings are supposed to be normal.  Well I have been accused of many things but never normal.

   Having fallen in love with Debbie under the circumstances way back then was definitely not normal. It is these current days but was taboo back then. But I gave every single ounce of my love to her. we never had much and she never asked for more. If I could put it in words I would have to say that all she ever asked for was love! True, Lasting, Unending yet Everlasting Love. I think I gave her all of that and now I do question myself.

  Debbie was everything to me. Make no mistakes we had our arguments and she always won because sometimes a guy just has to give in so he can rest even if she was very wrong. There is nothing I would not give to change places with her because to me she earned a much better life and between the two of us she needed to be here more. I suppose this is the grand plan God has in mind.

  Debbie Arms will always live on in my heart and our childrens hearts and friends and extended family.

       To me it is never goodbye, It is only that we will see you later and not only do we love and miss you but   carry you with us always and to us you still live here even if only in thoughts and our dreams!


    So Baby Darling of Mine, Good Night and Sweet Dreams!


             Always Yours!

Tomorrow brings the past with it.

I have no idea what tomorrow will have with it. If all goes well like normal then no worries. I do need to explain it to someone who is holding back and if all goes well then I will make it known. So to all goodnight and sweetdreams!

Two Months Today

 
   It has been two months since Deb has been gone. All I know is she wants me to be happy. Her love will never leave all of us who have been touched by her. I love Deb and always will and I will do her wishes. Those are between her and I.

 I love all my children and always will and no matter what I will always be here.

I have more to say and ask but that will wait for sometime.

Such a Beauty!

I have a lock of Debbie Arms hair in a envelope which I bring out each night and morning. Both Noon Arms and I rub it on our face just like when she was here. Noon knows the sound of the envelope and had been laying in the bed on Deb's pillow. He jumped down and ran over to me to make sure he didn't miss out. We both miss our sweetie and love her and always think of her. Good Night my beautiful Darling and we'll see you in our dreams tonight!


  That was copied from my facebook post tonight. Last night while laying down on the sofa and watching TV I caught the scent of her hair just as it would always smell right after she washed a dried it. She had naturally curly hair but used a blow dryer to straighten it. I still have her shampoo in the shower and only open it every now and then to get that scent. Last night I didn't have to open it. I feel she walked through the room checking on Noon and myself. 

   True love never dies. 

Another Day Down

I stayed pretty busy the last few days. I prefer it that way because I can look forward to the evening.  Evenings and nighttime are still the hardest for me. I still reach over in the bed looking for Deb. I even call out her name. It has been nearly two months but seems longer or like it happened this morning at times.

  When we are kids our parents teach us about life and sometimes about death but something they cannot convey because of no fault of their own is how to deal with the loss of not only a spouse but best friend and soulmate.

 What if any words can explain the feelings that go through right to the heart? I really don't think words can say anything when put into that position. You just find your own way out of it and thank God for the time you had and all the memories both good and bad because they made it all work out.

 I don't know if love like that will ever come to me again. One thing I do know is that God has graced me with a love beyond reproach and that what happens next is simply a gift that I will never take for granted.

  If it comes tomorrow or next week, even next year I will have to ask for permission because of who I have loved and lost.

  I love you Deb with all my heart and soul and always will!

I should be writing in my book about impacts

Yep a book I started many years ago and everyone who has read parts wants more. I did actually a couple weeks ago writing more. I still have more of a story to tell. Tonight more then others I feel like I should share  this story. Its sort of short but something that does put a smile on my face. Woman more then men will understand it but I hope it shows to a certain special gal what it meant to me. So here goes.


  I can't remember the year as they have all passed by quickly. I do remember that Blue Ford Explorer hooked up to a twin Sea-Doo Trailer.  Debbies was on the trailer but I was practice racing with the Offshore   Team at the time. All I could see was Deb and a pretty gal who's name now escapes my mind(Just remembered it is Lisa)  calling me into shore so hands up so other racers knew I was out and I pulled up to the shore. Debbie told me it was time to go and with the look on her face I knew she was serious. Limey Rick  ( his nickname so no disrespect!) showed up as well. Well Lisa and Deb had my sweet little girl wrapped up in a towel and as a Dad I was about to go nuts until it was explained to me!  Well my little girl just wasn't that little anymore and her body decided to grow into a young lady that particular day. Movies make fun of it. Women..........er I meant wives bitch about it and husbands deal with it. But my little girl?  My Best Buddy? No way in hell I tried to convince myself, Not my bestest friend and the light of my life. I was so wrong. So ski's loaded up we headed back home. My not so little girl was having cramps and did not know what to do and Deb crawled from the front seat to be with her. I stopped at walmart and just bought what I was told to.  That is a impact to me. I am certain alot of fathers have dealt with it. I am proud to say without reservation that I was not embarrassed to buy tampons for either my wife or daughter and now all these years later she has her own daughter which gives me proof that I did pretty good after all!

Hopscotch!

A truly tried game that little girls play all the time and make their brothers join in just because!

  Its kind of like riding roller skates. Or just taking a sister to Astroworld many many years ago and today it doesn't even exist. Here I am with the prettiest gal as far as I was concerned because being a big brother means you keep an eye on your little sister! Well it did not quite work out that way. Me being this handsome young Texan had some gals interested in my but little sister just wasn't gonna let it happen. So her being such a over protective sister/mom type personality kept them all away from me. If it wasn't for the fact I know she was looking out for me I'd have been really pissed off. But the drive back home when we had so much fun reminded me why I look out for her and she looked out for me.

  So to my Dear Sister Cindy

 Please forgive me and know that I love you with all my heart even if you did make those girls at Astroworld Jealous!

Sometimes you get surprised!

Noon is laying her beside me as always. When I was about to erase that last post his paws moved my hand away from the keyboard. As in much I feel he does as well. Sometimes I forget to take in his feelings as well as others. For that I am sincerely sorry. I do and will always enjoy what I have and have had. As much I will love and enjoy what comes to me.

Angels

Pretty good day today and I'm feeling pretty good myself. I watched some TV. I had supper with my brother James and lil sis  Lyssa tonight. She is a great cook not to mention she spoils Noon as much as I do. James and I talked while Lyssa cooked up a great meal. After eating we all just talked in general. I have lost touch with a sister that I would really like to work hard to rebuild that relationship with her.

  As always my evening ends with the thoughts of my Wife.  I cannot describe in words the feelings I have for my wife. Love? thats easy enough for anyone to understand. Respect? Now we can talk about being honest, caring certainly, Giving everything to your wife? Most certainly at the loss of those who don't really know you. So tonight I am going to share more of myself even if just in thought. I am going to consider others feelings that I did not take into account.

  There is something that we all know even if it is just to ourselves. Maybe a built in tiny secret. I have one that I have shared with just a few. I know the age that I myself will ....lets just say move on.  Debbie knew this and while she has moved on and I have said many times before I still feel her and I am certainly not the only one.

  But? Yep I hate that word to. Moving on does get easier but how do you keep the love and respect if you decide that being alone hurts just to much?

 Children you have helped and loved and belong to you out of a pure love and might feel alone or even worse abandoned?  I swear that my children even all grown up are the light of my life! I never want them to feel otherwise.

  Now the next step! I don't think I am old at just the age of 50 and I  can't take being alone. So what is next? When my love for Debbie grows daily as always do I give up what life I have left? Is that all there is to it? Certainly God did not want men to grow old alone when he had created Eve for Adam? Ok so she wasn't all she was cracked up to be but who expects more?

 So now my mind wanders into something I haven't ever given thought of.  This is a new type of loneliness that I haven't thought of.  And even more. Is there some place that I can find even if in dreams that reminds me? I never want to lose the love and trust of my wife but I just don't know how heaven works. Or if I deserve to be there with her.
 
  Someone who I least had suspected told me its better to be loved and lost then not loved at all. I told him simply "Try It"  I cannot any longer reach over and touch her or kiss her cheeks but wish I could. I also at the same time want to be able to do that again without any disrespect or consideration for my children.

 Make no mistake I am not in any hurry I just need their input and always their love and respect because that means more to me then anything else. This burden is part of pure love and when you have that you take all else with it!