Wednesday, April 10, 2013

To long? Or not long enough?

I find myself here late at night. I really don't know what I want to say or possibly how to put into words. I have been graced in my lifetime. I had the greatest love in the world. Someone who never failed me. Someone who loved all of me despite my downfalls and kept my secrets close to her heart and despite all of everything I went through she kept the promise she made to me so very many years ago.

  Mom told me that Deb is true blue.  Is that supposed to be the end? I don't know anymore. Deb knew me better then I knew myself. She told me that I was never meant to be alone. Did she see something I hadn't? She always knew things before I did. Such a Lady who put me first before herself that I failed to appreciate until I had lost her.

  Then again did I actually lose her? Or has she given me options? Is she in my corner speaking to me that I must go on? My love for her is certainly endless and how can anyone ever get past such a love? Who could want to be with me after knowing what I write and feel? I suppose that will take one hell of a woman.

  Like I said she knew me best. Going alone is not something I am wired for. Just doesn't work for me. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life alone. I have 3 children and two granddaughters. I love them with every fiber of my being. But what now I must ask? Do I ignore my feelings now? Do I just continue to just exist? I think not. I believe that somehow I must go on.. I should share my love and continue to go on. But how do I do just that? I am not certain. If I were to fall in love again how to I explain that to my children I have shared for so many years and love with all of my heart? Family and friends who know me and have seen what I have gone through. What to say? I cannot hide nor can I lie and only I can make this decision but yet I feel like I may come across moving on to sudden or fast. Today is 3 months since Deb left us. Her moving on is nothing less then a cross I carry yet I hear her words to me. So with a heavy heart I bear this and carry on. There is one who I would like to know more. Never to rush in with yet to share my life with.

  Someone who may or might want the same as I do. I can't foresee the future anymore then any other man had who has been in my position. It makes one reflect on life in the past and also makes one wonder. Does God give us unlimited chances? Or do we suffer from the loss of a loved one? Where do we go from here?

   Answers such as these are not easily answered and gives one time to think quite a bit about the previous years. When two people fall in love is it wrong when others might get hurt? Well I have caused that before so what difference does it make now? Do I want to cause hurt and pain again? Do I put my feelings aside?

  Well when two people fall in love, When chance brings them together does it make it wrong or is it right because whatever happened in the past brings them together and two hearts meld into one. Does it make it make it wrong because two people fell in love? When is enough time? I have yet to see any measurement that says its not long enough or it has been to long and you lose out.

So that nobody makes the mistake that I do not miss Debbie. I always will. But my heart is big enough that if that one person out there falls in love with me. If she is out there and one day I decide to share my heart with her and she shares hers with me, I just want her to know. I only give all of myself. Not just a part but all of me and I will love and honor her. I hope and pray my children understand this. Its not that I won't miss your Mom. Its just that I know what she wanted for me and what I would have wanted for her. So as my children I will always be here. I owe that not because I was with your Mom. Its because of my love for both her and yall.

  I am, I will, I shall go on because more then anything else I know what she wanted for me. See a love like that wants to share and give from the heart. Now that is something else that is hard to get past. She never backed down and always supported what I wanted. I always did the same. So without reservation and all due respect. It is something I must do and I hope and pray that you support me in this.

 So I have spoken for the last time here on this blog. It is not because I have forgotten what I have had. It is simply time to let go. After this much time I know that Debbie would agree and say to me. "Get over it" Well easier said then done but yet her words sing true in my ears. So as she would direct me so should I go.

 This my last post is dedicated to my Dear and Beloved Wife
Debra Marie Arms