Thursday, February 14, 2013

My Baby loved

Tonight I couldn't sleep so I felt if I wrote it might help. Several years ago I started a book which many have had a preview of. When I would read to Deb what I had written she kept up after me to write more. Well I lost all interest in it. I should pick up my pen again and write more but since she was central to the story how can I write more? I don't know how writers can change up a story mid-line when something like this happens. I'm certain I am not the first but I'll be damned if I can figure it out. Nights like tonight have to play their way through just like any other story. My love for Debbie supersedes anything else right now and most nights I cope just fine but not tonight. See I wasn't able to spend valentines day with my wife.  This is another first of what I guess will be many. Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Next Years Eve.  Then I will have to deal with next January 10th. Then the next year and so on. I moved the Crucifix to over our bed tonight and the Rosary that Deb has had for quite a few years. Somehow they need to be there. I don't know why and I don't ask questions that somehow do not need a answer.  I am not a deserving of that answer just yet and when it is time then I'll be listening. It just seems harder tonight then most of the recent others. 

   Debbie was to me what life is to others. Everyone takes a breath. Everyone can feel their heart beating and having Debbie was all that and so much more to me. Being able to love to strongly and holding someone so tight and always expecting her to love me back was just my simple one sided mindedness.  I was selfish in so many ways to always think that she was here just for me.  I was wrong on so many counts. Debbie loved so many and I just did not or would not share her.  It is because of those feeling that I now have to answer to the rest of my loved ones why did they not see her, Why did they not get to hold and hug her and share her. 

  I thought I could give her everything and now I see that giving her everything meant sharing her with the rest of those who loved her so much. I wish I could have told them sooner. Now any apologies I have will never be good enough. Debbie can't be replaced in my heart and I have considered what I will do since I have lost her but at the same time I know there are others that have lost their wifes or husbands and go on and get remarried. I just can't see how they can do it. Not when I have had something so wonderful and fulfilling in my life and heart.  

  I have a heartache that cannot be just pushed away.  Debbie was so much to my existence and who I am. I  lived for her and loved only her. She could be funny, crazy, mad or just simply herself and I loved every second of it.  

 All I do know for certain is if I live a good life and make it to where Debbie is I will ask God why he took her. All I want is a fair answer and to show me that his choice was worth it. Because she left behind so many who needed her still. I'll settle for that.

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