Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve

Its two minutes after eleven, Santa must be close but he's bringing toys for the children. He's bringing alot of presents for everyone but he cannot bring mine. I'm 51 and I still believe! Christmas is for family and I am blessed by having plenty of family but I don't have my wife anymore. And even Santa cannot bring her back.

  I'm not unhappy this Christmas, quite the contrary because I did have so many wonderful Christmas's with my wife but this is my first one without her. Seems that it feels like it just happened this morning all over again or possibly just a bad dream. The one day that comes only once a year brings hurt and a deep pain that hurts right down to the bone.

 Still even as much fun as I had today with my family I cannot push aside the grief and loneliness that I feel. I can see her blue eyes and feel her hair and I know so much what it feels like to hold her hands and yet knowing all alone that she is not here.

  So tomorrow I'll wear my smile again and I'll walk out into the sunshine and all will feel like it should. Then I'll remember and look for her, and I'll know she isn't here with me as much as I would like.

 I won't be able to hold her hand and I won't be able to look into her eyes and I'll just be thankful for the times that I could. I'll always love her more and more each day. She will always be in my thoughts and nothing can ever take that away.

I love you Deb,
I love you more then ever,
I loved you before I ever met you,
Because I was in love with the thought of you always.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

It does get easier...............a little anyways.

          Eleven months and 4 days ago she left this world. Well at least this world that we all live on and see each other on.  I believe that she still exists because I feel her all around me.

          Today was a really good day. In as much as I'd have preferred to be working the land and building my new home that is something I dream of all the time I cannot find myself having any complaints. Excellent food, family and friends who were here today.  Such gatherings remind me that life goes on and there are always good times to be had. I'm really glad today turned out to be just one of those days where everything came together like it did.

          Conversations with family, friends even new friends seem to bring up life experiences and since Debbie is always on my mind I do enjoy talking about her and sharing my adventures or I should say Debbie's and my adventures together. Its as though she is right here telling her side of the story as well. Loving Debbie was and still is a great adventure. It is still something I look forward to daily and I still do talk to her as though she is right beside me. I had thought there would be nothing more to write but seems again I am not as smart as I pretend to be since something each day shows me that I have much more to learn. If I were to change anything in my life I suppose like anyone it would to be things such as taking better care of each other etc but I have found out that there are just some things in life that cannot be changed such as love, loss and I would guess quite a few things that do not come to mind often. I have few complaints and excuses worthy of anyone even listening to them.

      Tonight I find myself pretty much comfortable with my life and what the future has in store for me. Tomorrow will bring another adventure I am certain and so until then I will tell my beautiful wife good night again and think of her and fall into a nice slumber and await the morning.

      Goodnight world :)