Its two minutes after eleven, Santa must be close but he's bringing toys for the children. He's bringing alot of presents for everyone but he cannot bring mine. I'm 51 and I still believe! Christmas is for family and I am blessed by having plenty of family but I don't have my wife anymore. And even Santa cannot bring her back.
I'm not unhappy this Christmas, quite the contrary because I did have so many wonderful Christmas's with my wife but this is my first one without her. Seems that it feels like it just happened this morning all over again or possibly just a bad dream. The one day that comes only once a year brings hurt and a deep pain that hurts right down to the bone.
Still even as much fun as I had today with my family I cannot push aside the grief and loneliness that I feel. I can see her blue eyes and feel her hair and I know so much what it feels like to hold her hands and yet knowing all alone that she is not here.
So tomorrow I'll wear my smile again and I'll walk out into the sunshine and all will feel like it should. Then I'll remember and look for her, and I'll know she isn't here with me as much as I would like.
I won't be able to hold her hand and I won't be able to look into her eyes and I'll just be thankful for the times that I could. I'll always love her more and more each day. She will always be in my thoughts and nothing can ever take that away.
I love you Deb,
I love you more then ever,
I loved you before I ever met you,
Because I was in love with the thought of you always.
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