Pretty good day today and I'm feeling pretty good myself. I watched some TV. I had supper with my brother James and lil sis Lyssa tonight. She is a great cook not to mention she spoils Noon as much as I do. James and I talked while Lyssa cooked up a great meal. After eating we all just talked in general. I have lost touch with a sister that I would really like to work hard to rebuild that relationship with her.
As always my evening ends with the thoughts of my Wife. I cannot describe in words the feelings I have for my wife. Love? thats easy enough for anyone to understand. Respect? Now we can talk about being honest, caring certainly, Giving everything to your wife? Most certainly at the loss of those who don't really know you. So tonight I am going to share more of myself even if just in thought. I am going to consider others feelings that I did not take into account.
There is something that we all know even if it is just to ourselves. Maybe a built in tiny secret. I have one that I have shared with just a few. I know the age that I myself will ....lets just say move on. Debbie knew this and while she has moved on and I have said many times before I still feel her and I am certainly not the only one.
But? Yep I hate that word to. Moving on does get easier but how do you keep the love and respect if you decide that being alone hurts just to much?
Children you have helped and loved and belong to you out of a pure love and might feel alone or even worse abandoned? I swear that my children even all grown up are the light of my life! I never want them to feel otherwise.
Now the next step! I don't think I am old at just the age of 50 and I can't take being alone. So what is next? When my love for Debbie grows daily as always do I give up what life I have left? Is that all there is to it? Certainly God did not want men to grow old alone when he had created Eve for Adam? Ok so she wasn't all she was cracked up to be but who expects more?
So now my mind wanders into something I haven't ever given thought of. This is a new type of loneliness that I haven't thought of. And even more. Is there some place that I can find even if in dreams that reminds me? I never want to lose the love and trust of my wife but I just don't know how heaven works. Or if I deserve to be there with her.
Someone who I least had suspected told me its better to be loved and lost then not loved at all. I told him simply "Try It" I cannot any longer reach over and touch her or kiss her cheeks but wish I could. I also at the same time want to be able to do that again without any disrespect or consideration for my children.
Make no mistake I am not in any hurry I just need their input and always their love and respect because that means more to me then anything else. This burden is part of pure love and when you have that you take all else with it!