To long? Or not long enough?

I find myself here late at night. I really don't know what I want to say or possibly how to put into words. I have been graced in my lifetime. I had the greatest love in the world. Someone who never failed me. Someone who loved all of me despite my downfalls and kept my secrets close to her heart and despite all of everything I went through she kept the promise she made to me so very many years ago.

  Mom told me that Deb is true blue.  Is that supposed to be the end? I don't know anymore. Deb knew me better then I knew myself. She told me that I was never meant to be alone. Did she see something I hadn't? She always knew things before I did. Such a Lady who put me first before herself that I failed to appreciate until I had lost her.

  Then again did I actually lose her? Or has she given me options? Is she in my corner speaking to me that I must go on? My love for her is certainly endless and how can anyone ever get past such a love? Who could want to be with me after knowing what I write and feel? I suppose that will take one hell of a woman.

  Like I said she knew me best. Going alone is not something I am wired for. Just doesn't work for me. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life alone. I have 3 children and two granddaughters. I love them with every fiber of my being. But what now I must ask? Do I ignore my feelings now? Do I just continue to just exist? I think not. I believe that somehow I must go on.. I should share my love and continue to go on. But how do I do just that? I am not certain. If I were to fall in love again how to I explain that to my children I have shared for so many years and love with all of my heart? Family and friends who know me and have seen what I have gone through. What to say? I cannot hide nor can I lie and only I can make this decision but yet I feel like I may come across moving on to sudden or fast. Today is 3 months since Deb left us. Her moving on is nothing less then a cross I carry yet I hear her words to me. So with a heavy heart I bear this and carry on. There is one who I would like to know more. Never to rush in with yet to share my life with.

  Someone who may or might want the same as I do. I can't foresee the future anymore then any other man had who has been in my position. It makes one reflect on life in the past and also makes one wonder. Does God give us unlimited chances? Or do we suffer from the loss of a loved one? Where do we go from here?

   Answers such as these are not easily answered and gives one time to think quite a bit about the previous years. When two people fall in love is it wrong when others might get hurt? Well I have caused that before so what difference does it make now? Do I want to cause hurt and pain again? Do I put my feelings aside?

  Well when two people fall in love, When chance brings them together does it make it wrong or is it right because whatever happened in the past brings them together and two hearts meld into one. Does it make it make it wrong because two people fell in love? When is enough time? I have yet to see any measurement that says its not long enough or it has been to long and you lose out.


So that nobody makes the mistake that I do not miss Debbie. I always will. But my heart is big enough that if that one person out there falls in love with me. If she is out there and one day I decide to share my heart with her and she shares hers with me, I just want her to know. I only give all of myself. Not just a part but all of me and I will love and honor her. I hope and pray my children understand this. Its not that I won't miss your Mom. Its just that I know what she wanted for me and what I would have wanted for her. So as my children I will always be here. I owe that not because I was with your Mom. Its because of my love for both her and yall.

  I am, I will, I shall go on because more then anything else I know what she wanted for me. See a love like that wants to share and give from the heart. Now that is something else that is hard to get past. She never backed down and always supported what I wanted. I always did the same. So without reservation and all due respect. It is something I must do and I hope and pray that you support me in this.


 So I have spoken for the last time here on this blog. It is not because I have forgotten what I have had. It is simply time to let go. After this much time I know that Debbie would agree and say to me. "Get over it" Well easier said then done but yet her words sing true in my ears. So as she would direct me so should I go.

 This my last post is dedicated to my Dear and Beloved Wife
Debra Marie Arms

Awaiting an Answer

As in life somethings come quickly and others you just have to wait for.  I had it the greatest. Then it all ended way too soon. Or Did it? Life did not stop. Sure life threw up one hell of a crossroads for me.  Which way to turn or just go straight across?  I sure as hell did not know the answer. Hell at the time I did not have a clue. So I threw myself back into work. I started breathing easier. I started feeling alive again. I happen to be one to rush in and it has always worked for me but not for everyone else. So I want that one person to read this. I want her to understand that I live and love and give everything that I am. I will always remember all the wonderful times I have had in this life granted to me by God and will always take advantage of what he puts in front of me. Life is short and sweet and I know in my heart that those who I have loved and who have loved me understand this.
Goodnight and I hope everyone who reads this is well.

Great Evening

            It seems so long ago but also just like this morning. I know I've said it before but its worth repeating.

   Tonight reminded me of something. And it is something very important to me. Life is precious so take advantage of it as best you can. Tonight I am doing just that. The best part is that even if things don't work out I have a beauty that will still be around. I am sitting here while wondering to myself if there is anymore I can do. I believe things happen for a reason. Nobody gets their way all the time and I have been very lucky in the past. I usually had a good feeling for how things would work out. Tonight I feel I have a 50/50 chance.

  So like when I continue to write my book I also think about how the book will change since I started it back in 2009. 4 years really isn't a long time to write a book I think. Call it writers block or some other distraction. My brother and sister in law have heard more then anyone else and many more have read parts of it.

 I guess the reason I am awake now while the beauty sleeps and I dare not disturb her. And yes many questions went through my mind but I think this is a first step and nobody can predict the future. I know I can't and what will become will just become when it happens or it will pass me by.

  Until then my friends, Goodnight!

Spring came early.

         At least it seems that way. Warmer days and evenings and that is something I have been looking forward to. I know I don't write as much as I used to but things seem to be settling down for me and work has been pretty busy. All that helps quite a bit but there are still times when I get melancholy.

  Two months and change certainly cannot erase so many years of being loved and loving someone. I made a promise and I intend to fulfill it. That promise I cannot divulge because it was one of the few secrets we had with each other. But I know that being alone isn't something I'd had ever planned on. To me Deb would be there always and forever. I just never even considered she would move on without me but I had little choice in that. I feel comfortable in the fact I know she is in heaven because I had many dreams about what it looked like. God may not always answer but he can and does give you glimpses of what awaits us all.

  This I swear! Heaven looks just like Texas! So I won't have to travel far when that day comes. God did Bless Texas with his own hand and there is no other place I would rather be.
 

Life gives us a chance!

I have read some of the most renowned books and/or literature over the years. I am one who certainly appreciates an author who reaches down in his or her soul to allow such words to come out. I have myself written for many years and now with so many asking me to continue I will do just that.

Remember just this part. My book is part fiction and fact. So go along with me and keep up. I only want that one day my true story is told and this like I said is part fiction and fact.

 So here is chapter one. Many have read much more but I will share this much just so you can see what it is in my mind!

   The old ford hummed right on key,We could barely hear the light tapping that was much louder before this oddessy began three states earlier. I had always enjoyed driving west,Endless miles of road with painted desert, cactus and nearly deserted towns hadn't taken but a few days. Both Debbie and myself felt a huge sigh of relief just leaving our past behind. What we did not yet know was how difficult our future was to become.

   Noon was laying in his usual spot between us. He was our constant companion for nearly 6 years now. His antics had kept us entertained and now we would need his companionship  but more importantly his much better senses.  One more small town to go where we would pick up enough supplies to last for a few months, Longer if needed. One last tankful of fuel away from what would become more then just a hideaway, It would become our shelter and security from a rapidly deteriorating society. My hobby of being a self proclaimed military history buff was to be our saving grace.

  We turn left off of the last paved road we will see for a very long time. I slow down to pause and take a look at a small rectangular concrete slab where a guard shack used to stand.
Looking out in front of us nothing appears present with the exception of a few abandoned hangers and the mountains behind them. For the next few weeks one of the offices in the largest hangar will be our home.

Two Months and a Day

      I sleep a little better and feel somewhat better about life, love and just being here. The morning of January 10th remains vivid in my mind. What happened and what I could or did do and then finally the questions to myself.

    I have talked to others in my situation and the feelings are supposed to be normal.  Well I have been accused of many things but never normal.

   Having fallen in love with Debbie under the circumstances way back then was definitely not normal. It is these current days but was taboo back then. But I gave every single ounce of my love to her. we never had much and she never asked for more. If I could put it in words I would have to say that all she ever asked for was love! True, Lasting, Unending yet Everlasting Love. I think I gave her all of that and now I do question myself.

  Debbie was everything to me. Make no mistakes we had our arguments and she always won because sometimes a guy just has to give in so he can rest even if she was very wrong. There is nothing I would not give to change places with her because to me she earned a much better life and between the two of us she needed to be here more. I suppose this is the grand plan God has in mind.

  Debbie Arms will always live on in my heart and our childrens hearts and friends and extended family.

       To me it is never goodbye, It is only that we will see you later and not only do we love and miss you but   carry you with us always and to us you still live here even if only in thoughts and our dreams!


    So Baby Darling of Mine, Good Night and Sweet Dreams!


             Always Yours!

Tomorrow brings the past with it.

I have no idea what tomorrow will have with it. If all goes well like normal then no worries. I do need to explain it to someone who is holding back and if all goes well then I will make it known. So to all goodnight and sweetdreams!