Not to say good bye. But until we all meet again!

I won't publish this and with my few followers most will never know.  I say to my Debbie that it has been and shall always be a privilege to have loved you. I kept my promise and will always hold a place in my heart just for you. But I know that you would have wanted me to move on. I have and knowing this and having prayed for guidance and directions because I certainly had no map that I have found someone. Someone that we both knew not well but enjoyed meeting her through her brother.  I guess there is a time and place for everything and everyone.  We have agreed to take the time and learn to really know each other. She nor I will rush into this. We will take the time to learn what each other wants and needs from each other and to work together.  My feelings for her are very strong. She has been hurt before and I can feel it when I simply hold her hand. So I will not rush her in anyways but some help from up there wouldn't hurt.  Deb I just wanted to tell you this. I want you to know that I keep all the things you have shown me and how you taught me to love.  I can no more predict how this new relationship will evolve much less then if the sky will be purple tomorrow. But I have the feeling that with work, honesty and compassion that all things shall work out as planned. I just wanted you to know this.  I have very strong feelings for this true Lady and I have dreamed of her before we started to really decide to explore our feelings for each other. This I needed you to know. So I bid you farewell and one day hopefully in the far future we all will meet again. It was my blessing, God Given that we had our time together and with his blessing once again that I will have a true love. God doesn't limit the time here on earth between a man and woman. God only gives us our free will to choose and be happy.

Wish me the Best.

I have looked down the road. It leads me to a new direction.

Well I probably knew it would happen.  I didn't know when and I did not have any clues. I wanted it to be with someone that I had feelings for.  She sure isn't making it easy. But I know she is also protecting herself.  I will always hold a spot in my heart for Debbie. She was my true love for so many years. Now there is a very Pretty Little Gal who is making me work for it. I do not blame her. She has had her ups and downs and was a very good friend to Debbie and myself. If Debbie could have chosen then this gal would be on top of her list. I only hesitate to name her because its not something that she is comfortable with.  I will always love Debbie in my own way. But I also know that she would want "Promise". Until Death due you part. I wish it hadn't come to that. I wish that she were here with us all. But God had made his choice to take her. And he left me with my choice. To stay alone or to take another. I choose the latter. I take one who I can prove that I can and will only love her and support her. And I will keep the "Promise" This I swear!

To that little gal!

Something that I wanted to share.

Hey sweetie. I know its been awhile.  I haven't had much to say and I wanted you to know I still think about you every day.  Everyone tells me that its ok and I'm doing fine and maybe its time to move on. I know that is what you wanted for me and maybe I should but I wanted to make sure you are fine with all of this.
     See I feel you all around me and I know you pay attention. I felt you tonight when I was outside by myself and the breeze brought you back to me for just a moment.
    Curtis pulled  a stunt the other night. It was interesting to say the least. I know you will give him grief in your way even still.  It all ended up well.  Tonight was fun but still I looked for you.
     What I am asking is I suppose permission to move on. I have been assured from everyone that would be your wish but what I want is something more direct. However it comes. A breeze. Maybe a familiar scent. Even a sound of something familiar. I will know without a doubt when it comes to me.  You are my baby and my love and true soul mate. I will always love you. You alone can tell me when it is right.

Christmas Eve

Its two minutes after eleven, Santa must be close but he's bringing toys for the children. He's bringing alot of presents for everyone but he cannot bring mine. I'm 51 and I still believe! Christmas is for family and I am blessed by having plenty of family but I don't have my wife anymore. And even Santa cannot bring her back.

  I'm not unhappy this Christmas, quite the contrary because I did have so many wonderful Christmas's with my wife but this is my first one without her. Seems that it feels like it just happened this morning all over again or possibly just a bad dream. The one day that comes only once a year brings hurt and a deep pain that hurts right down to the bone.

 Still even as much fun as I had today with my family I cannot push aside the grief and loneliness that I feel. I can see her blue eyes and feel her hair and I know so much what it feels like to hold her hands and yet knowing all alone that she is not here.

  So tomorrow I'll wear my smile again and I'll walk out into the sunshine and all will feel like it should. Then I'll remember and look for her, and I'll know she isn't here with me as much as I would like.

 I won't be able to hold her hand and I won't be able to look into her eyes and I'll just be thankful for the times that I could. I'll always love her more and more each day. She will always be in my thoughts and nothing can ever take that away.

I love you Deb,
I love you more then ever,
I loved you before I ever met you,
Because I was in love with the thought of you always.

It does get easier...............a little anyways.

          Eleven months and 4 days ago she left this world. Well at least this world that we all live on and see each other on.  I believe that she still exists because I feel her all around me.

          Today was a really good day. In as much as I'd have preferred to be working the land and building my new home that is something I dream of all the time I cannot find myself having any complaints. Excellent food, family and friends who were here today.  Such gatherings remind me that life goes on and there are always good times to be had. I'm really glad today turned out to be just one of those days where everything came together like it did.

          Conversations with family, friends even new friends seem to bring up life experiences and since Debbie is always on my mind I do enjoy talking about her and sharing my adventures or I should say Debbie's and my adventures together. Its as though she is right here telling her side of the story as well. Loving Debbie was and still is a great adventure. It is still something I look forward to daily and I still do talk to her as though she is right beside me. I had thought there would be nothing more to write but seems again I am not as smart as I pretend to be since something each day shows me that I have much more to learn. If I were to change anything in my life I suppose like anyone it would to be things such as taking better care of each other etc but I have found out that there are just some things in life that cannot be changed such as love, loss and I would guess quite a few things that do not come to mind often. I have few complaints and excuses worthy of anyone even listening to them.

      Tonight I find myself pretty much comfortable with my life and what the future has in store for me. Tomorrow will bring another adventure I am certain and so until then I will tell my beautiful wife good night again and think of her and fall into a nice slumber and await the morning.

      Goodnight world :)

 

Another Long Night.

As always I think of my wife. Debbie was not just a wife she was truly my partner. In everything I wanted to do she supported me. The most amazing woman I have ever met. Deb never feared the risks I took nor would she say she did not like it. Deb supported me in ways that even to this day most men would say " I cannot do that because my wife said no". Instead Debbie would tell me that that I needed to be careful. Every single morning she told me that when I walked out the door. A simple two word saying. "Be Careful"
We did not have to have another word after that. We had already kissed, We had already hugged, Everything else waited until I was home!


I knew that she waited for me to come home. What she thought about while I was away I can only go by what she told me. Some days she was missing me and some days she watched over a excellent child who I will not mention here.

Tonight I think of her as I always do. For those who have never experienced loss like this all I can say is that I pray that you do not. It by far has been the hardest thing I have ever been through! To this very minute I think of Debbie and wish she was right here beside me. I can walk unto the floor where she died and called out my name. I can still smell her hair and feel holding her. I have felt that.

Tonight I find myself thinking of Debbie. Wait! Thats not entirely true. I think of her every single night. Even when I have company or busy during the day. How can someone who you are certain is now walking with Jesus isn't still with you at the same time? Deb is my angel and now is a angel in heaven I have no doubt. I know I should not ask why but still with what happens in these days and times I have to wonder why she was taken at such a young age away from me and our children? Nothing about it seems fair. Debbie meant so much to so many and I cannot even begin to understand. Perhaps its not for me to understand but the loss is so great and the heartbreak is almost more then I can bear. I have to wonder and worry. I love her so much that the pain is almost more then I can stand. I do it for our children. I have discovered that no other can ever take her place and I am comfortable in that. I will wait until we are back together and no matter how long it takes I will always love and think of her each and every single day. I love you Baby and I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. Those who wronged you will pay! This I swear!