It does get easier...............a little anyways.

          Eleven months and 4 days ago she left this world. Well at least this world that we all live on and see each other on.  I believe that she still exists because I feel her all around me.

          Today was a really good day. In as much as I'd have preferred to be working the land and building my new home that is something I dream of all the time I cannot find myself having any complaints. Excellent food, family and friends who were here today.  Such gatherings remind me that life goes on and there are always good times to be had. I'm really glad today turned out to be just one of those days where everything came together like it did.

          Conversations with family, friends even new friends seem to bring up life experiences and since Debbie is always on my mind I do enjoy talking about her and sharing my adventures or I should say Debbie's and my adventures together. Its as though she is right here telling her side of the story as well. Loving Debbie was and still is a great adventure. It is still something I look forward to daily and I still do talk to her as though she is right beside me. I had thought there would be nothing more to write but seems again I am not as smart as I pretend to be since something each day shows me that I have much more to learn. If I were to change anything in my life I suppose like anyone it would to be things such as taking better care of each other etc but I have found out that there are just some things in life that cannot be changed such as love, loss and I would guess quite a few things that do not come to mind often. I have few complaints and excuses worthy of anyone even listening to them.

      Tonight I find myself pretty much comfortable with my life and what the future has in store for me. Tomorrow will bring another adventure I am certain and so until then I will tell my beautiful wife good night again and think of her and fall into a nice slumber and await the morning.

      Goodnight world :)

 

Another Long Night.

As always I think of my wife. Debbie was not just a wife she was truly my partner. In everything I wanted to do she supported me. The most amazing woman I have ever met. Deb never feared the risks I took nor would she say she did not like it. Deb supported me in ways that even to this day most men would say " I cannot do that because my wife said no". Instead Debbie would tell me that that I needed to be careful. Every single morning she told me that when I walked out the door. A simple two word saying. "Be Careful"
We did not have to have another word after that. We had already kissed, We had already hugged, Everything else waited until I was home!


I knew that she waited for me to come home. What she thought about while I was away I can only go by what she told me. Some days she was missing me and some days she watched over a excellent child who I will not mention here.

Tonight I think of her as I always do. For those who have never experienced loss like this all I can say is that I pray that you do not. It by far has been the hardest thing I have ever been through! To this very minute I think of Debbie and wish she was right here beside me. I can walk unto the floor where she died and called out my name. I can still smell her hair and feel holding her. I have felt that.

Tonight I find myself thinking of Debbie. Wait! Thats not entirely true. I think of her every single night. Even when I have company or busy during the day. How can someone who you are certain is now walking with Jesus isn't still with you at the same time? Deb is my angel and now is a angel in heaven I have no doubt. I know I should not ask why but still with what happens in these days and times I have to wonder why she was taken at such a young age away from me and our children? Nothing about it seems fair. Debbie meant so much to so many and I cannot even begin to understand. Perhaps its not for me to understand but the loss is so great and the heartbreak is almost more then I can bear. I have to wonder and worry. I love her so much that the pain is almost more then I can stand. I do it for our children. I have discovered that no other can ever take her place and I am comfortable in that. I will wait until we are back together and no matter how long it takes I will always love and think of her each and every single day. I love you Baby and I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. Those who wronged you will pay! This I swear!

To long? Or not long enough?

I find myself here late at night. I really don't know what I want to say or possibly how to put into words. I have been graced in my lifetime. I had the greatest love in the world. Someone who never failed me. Someone who loved all of me despite my downfalls and kept my secrets close to her heart and despite all of everything I went through she kept the promise she made to me so very many years ago.

  Mom told me that Deb is true blue.  Is that supposed to be the end? I don't know anymore. Deb knew me better then I knew myself. She told me that I was never meant to be alone. Did she see something I hadn't? She always knew things before I did. Such a Lady who put me first before herself that I failed to appreciate until I had lost her.

  Then again did I actually lose her? Or has she given me options? Is she in my corner speaking to me that I must go on? My love for her is certainly endless and how can anyone ever get past such a love? Who could want to be with me after knowing what I write and feel? I suppose that will take one hell of a woman.

  Like I said she knew me best. Going alone is not something I am wired for. Just doesn't work for me. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life alone. I have 3 children and two granddaughters. I love them with every fiber of my being. But what now I must ask? Do I ignore my feelings now? Do I just continue to just exist? I think not. I believe that somehow I must go on.. I should share my love and continue to go on. But how do I do just that? I am not certain. If I were to fall in love again how to I explain that to my children I have shared for so many years and love with all of my heart? Family and friends who know me and have seen what I have gone through. What to say? I cannot hide nor can I lie and only I can make this decision but yet I feel like I may come across moving on to sudden or fast. Today is 3 months since Deb left us. Her moving on is nothing less then a cross I carry yet I hear her words to me. So with a heavy heart I bear this and carry on. There is one who I would like to know more. Never to rush in with yet to share my life with.

  Someone who may or might want the same as I do. I can't foresee the future anymore then any other man had who has been in my position. It makes one reflect on life in the past and also makes one wonder. Does God give us unlimited chances? Or do we suffer from the loss of a loved one? Where do we go from here?

   Answers such as these are not easily answered and gives one time to think quite a bit about the previous years. When two people fall in love is it wrong when others might get hurt? Well I have caused that before so what difference does it make now? Do I want to cause hurt and pain again? Do I put my feelings aside?

  Well when two people fall in love, When chance brings them together does it make it wrong or is it right because whatever happened in the past brings them together and two hearts meld into one. Does it make it make it wrong because two people fell in love? When is enough time? I have yet to see any measurement that says its not long enough or it has been to long and you lose out.


So that nobody makes the mistake that I do not miss Debbie. I always will. But my heart is big enough that if that one person out there falls in love with me. If she is out there and one day I decide to share my heart with her and she shares hers with me, I just want her to know. I only give all of myself. Not just a part but all of me and I will love and honor her. I hope and pray my children understand this. Its not that I won't miss your Mom. Its just that I know what she wanted for me and what I would have wanted for her. So as my children I will always be here. I owe that not because I was with your Mom. Its because of my love for both her and yall.

  I am, I will, I shall go on because more then anything else I know what she wanted for me. See a love like that wants to share and give from the heart. Now that is something else that is hard to get past. She never backed down and always supported what I wanted. I always did the same. So without reservation and all due respect. It is something I must do and I hope and pray that you support me in this.


 So I have spoken for the last time here on this blog. It is not because I have forgotten what I have had. It is simply time to let go. After this much time I know that Debbie would agree and say to me. "Get over it" Well easier said then done but yet her words sing true in my ears. So as she would direct me so should I go.

 This my last post is dedicated to my Dear and Beloved Wife
Debra Marie Arms

Awaiting an Answer

As in life somethings come quickly and others you just have to wait for.  I had it the greatest. Then it all ended way too soon. Or Did it? Life did not stop. Sure life threw up one hell of a crossroads for me.  Which way to turn or just go straight across?  I sure as hell did not know the answer. Hell at the time I did not have a clue. So I threw myself back into work. I started breathing easier. I started feeling alive again. I happen to be one to rush in and it has always worked for me but not for everyone else. So I want that one person to read this. I want her to understand that I live and love and give everything that I am. I will always remember all the wonderful times I have had in this life granted to me by God and will always take advantage of what he puts in front of me. Life is short and sweet and I know in my heart that those who I have loved and who have loved me understand this.
Goodnight and I hope everyone who reads this is well.

Great Evening

            It seems so long ago but also just like this morning. I know I've said it before but its worth repeating.

   Tonight reminded me of something. And it is something very important to me. Life is precious so take advantage of it as best you can. Tonight I am doing just that. The best part is that even if things don't work out I have a beauty that will still be around. I am sitting here while wondering to myself if there is anymore I can do. I believe things happen for a reason. Nobody gets their way all the time and I have been very lucky in the past. I usually had a good feeling for how things would work out. Tonight I feel I have a 50/50 chance.

  So like when I continue to write my book I also think about how the book will change since I started it back in 2009. 4 years really isn't a long time to write a book I think. Call it writers block or some other distraction. My brother and sister in law have heard more then anyone else and many more have read parts of it.

 I guess the reason I am awake now while the beauty sleeps and I dare not disturb her. And yes many questions went through my mind but I think this is a first step and nobody can predict the future. I know I can't and what will become will just become when it happens or it will pass me by.

  Until then my friends, Goodnight!

Spring came early.

         At least it seems that way. Warmer days and evenings and that is something I have been looking forward to. I know I don't write as much as I used to but things seem to be settling down for me and work has been pretty busy. All that helps quite a bit but there are still times when I get melancholy.

  Two months and change certainly cannot erase so many years of being loved and loving someone. I made a promise and I intend to fulfill it. That promise I cannot divulge because it was one of the few secrets we had with each other. But I know that being alone isn't something I'd had ever planned on. To me Deb would be there always and forever. I just never even considered she would move on without me but I had little choice in that. I feel comfortable in the fact I know she is in heaven because I had many dreams about what it looked like. God may not always answer but he can and does give you glimpses of what awaits us all.

  This I swear! Heaven looks just like Texas! So I won't have to travel far when that day comes. God did Bless Texas with his own hand and there is no other place I would rather be.